Someone is coming to town. Don’t cry, shout or pout– he doesn’t like those mannerisms very much. Who do you think I am speaking of? That’s right! It’s the very jolly, extremely chubby dude who’s stylin’ in a red crushed velvet suit. His beard is as white as the driven snow, and his spectacles sit on a very red nose– but not as red as Rudolph, his most prized reindeer. He answers to many names such as Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, and St. Nicholas. But the most common alias that we are familiar with is Santa Claus.

At this time of year, you’ll see Santa at the mall with hopeful children lining up for a chance to sit on his lap. Santa’s lap is like a courtroom for kids, where they can argue their cases about what such GOOD children they have been and why they deserve ALL of the presents on their lists. You can also catch him outside your local store soliciting for donations to a charity. He is quick to serenade you with a friendly and hearty “Ho, ho, ho!” while rubbing his very ample belly.

In a world where we seemingly make exceptions for–and take exceptions to–different things, Santa Claus is no exception. People nowadays are either questioning or attacking his character and intentions. Poor guy–he just can’t get a break. Consider the following:

• “Ho” is a derogatory label for a loose and immoral woman. Judging by the number of “ho’s” Santa uses, he’s apparently cheating on Mrs. Claus with at least three different women.
• Santa could very well be a closet pedophile that secretly gets his jollies from having innocent kids sit on his lap. This could explain why so many kids are afraid of Santa and refuse to “visit” with him.
• Take away the cookies. Santa’s rotund appearance is no longer considered healthy in this weight-obsessed society. There’s a rampant rumor going around that several national gym chains are competing to obtain Santa as a client.
• The huffing and puffing coming from Santa isn’t because of shortness of breath due to all that weight. He’s been dragging on those cancer-inducing paraphernalia, otherwise known as pipes. That explains the yellow-stain beard hairs around the mouth area.
• Santa is the master of B&E: Breaking and Entering. I mean, who else can come in and out of a place in less than five minutes with no complaints from the occupants of the house? A burglar’s ultimate dream.
• PETA should stop going after people wearing furs, and go after Santa. After all, he makes those poor reindeers carry easily 20-30 times their weight in presents…PLUS his weight. Talk about backbreaking work.
• Want a prime example of slave labor? Look no further than those elves at the North Pole. Children in third world countries sewing together expensive designer clothes in sweatshops make way more money than these poor vertically challenged guys.

Clauses are usually provisions– ways to get out of following the terms of an otherwise ironclad contract, if you will. It’s unfortunate these days people are trying find ways to break away from a cherished tradition that’s been around for decades. If Santa was a regular Joe, then most of the behaviors outlined above should be investigated. But because this is Santa we are talking about, does he deserve to get a pass?

Just think– we have suggested extinguishing his smokes, putting out low-cal and low-fat cookies, and sending him to a refresher course on how to speak to women properly. If I only came once a year–bringing joy and delight to children’s eyes– I would be extremely annoyed if whatever few pleasures I could partake in were snatched away from me. So if you ask me, I think we should leave Santa the hell alone and let the kiddies enjoy the magic. The famous letter that was published in The New York Sun summed it up quite nicely:

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Watch out, Tooth Fairy…you may be next on the hit list. Not only are you using a moniker that may imply your sexual preferences, but you also may be single-handedly responsible for the proliferation of the black market– where kids’ teeth go for ridiculous amounts of money far exceeding the value of the enamel.