Not too long ago, somebody introduced me to PostSecret, a site where people anonymously send in postcards revealing their innermost secrets. This particular postcard, from this week’s pile, apparently comes from a distraught parent of a deaf child:
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If you scroll down at the PostSecret website for this week’s entries, there’s a postcard in ASL:
http://bp0.blogger.com/_a7jkcM.....nguage.jpg
I think it says: “We/I love how we use ___ as a secret language”
Yeah, I was wondering about that one.
I think that it may be “Sign (Language).”
Oh, God, I already feel sorry for the child.
Me too. The poor child has to grow up with that parent.
Saw it yesterday and was dismayed at that. That got me to think… what about the deaf parents who are distraught over the fact that their child(ren) is/are hearing?
Or deaf parents that are distraught that their children are deaf?
In fact, I do know of a deaf couple who were rather distressed that their child was born deaf as they didn’t want their kid to grow up oppressed by the hearing world like they were growing up.
They have accepted their child, yes, but they are stressed out by that experience because they have to do tons of research now to find out what is the best way to raise the child–ASL? Cochlear Implants? Deaf schools? Mainstream? and the list goes on and on.
Its not an easy road to take because they want the best for their child because once they are no longer on this planet, the child is going to be on his/her own. Understandably and rightfully so, they want to give the child all the tools available to succeed in the harsh hearing world today. They want to ensure that this child will be able to be fully employable in the far future because no one knows what the future employment picture is going to look like for the deaf community 20/30 years down the road. Will it be better for us or deteriorate in the future?
So many things to think of and to research on. I am sure that there are some deaf parents who are happy their kids were born hearing then they don’t have to put up with discrimination in the hearing world. Look at it this way, many hearing children can be the best advocates in the hearing world to better educate the hearing world about the deaf.
What I don’t really understand is why some people “pray” that their kid is born deaf? To me, that is akin to someone with a disability wishing that their children has the same disability. How can someone say that knowing very well that the kid may be facing discrimination growing up and experience the same frustration as their parents did. I would never wish that on my kid. I would have the attitude of: if my child was born deaf, I would deal with it the best way I can–not “Oh, I wish my kid will be deaf when she is born”. Sorry, but I cannot understand why parents wish that on their kid other than to have them “be like them”.
Food for thought….(Expecting some people here to flame me now).
Because, to their eyes, deafness is not a disabilit, but a cultural diversity.
disability, not disabil
I think it’s interesting that there are no cochlear implant brochures in this picture. The blue hearing aid is an Oticon.
actually there is, center of the picture, under the bow. This is an Advanced Bionics information kit.
Oops! :)
Snap!
:-P~
It’s a shame that parents cannot accept their child, he/she is born with deafness or other symptoms. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself for not having a perfect baby, be proud or be active and give a lot of love to the baby and make life great. A family of mine has a son with Cerebal Palsy, instead of moping and whining about her son’s disability, she loved him and raised him well. He is happy and working full-time and has a girlfriend. Life can be “NORMAL” if you embrace the difference and be happy with what is god-given.
AMEN!
As sad as all of this is (I also feel sorry for that child), we do have to remember that finding out that your child is deaf can be really, really shocking. And that parent likely already knew that his / her feeling was “wrong”, hence her reason for mailing it as a secret postcard. It’s just part of the grieving process; eventually she or he will come to terms with the child’s deafness.
This was the same process that my parents went through when they found out I was deaf. They, too, underwent a grieving process in reconciling their feelings with what they had to do as parents in taking care of me. I don’t think we should be casting stones or pointing fingers at hearing parents—they have the right to their feelings, and like it or not, deafness IS seen as a medical disability.
I know my own parents felt that way when they found out that I was born deaf. They took it hard but they never let it stop them from seeking out all possible avenues to give me the best opportunities they could find for me. I’m eternally grateful to my parents for that, no question about it. I am sure many other deaf people feel the same way about their parents.
That’s true. That wasn’t the first thing that came to mind when I saw the postcard. If I were in the parent’s shoes, I may react the same way that the parent did.
I wonder if the parent’s reaction is due to the sheer barrage of information about deafness that he or she has received or because of the simple fact that his or her child is deaf?
I can understand parents attempting to struggle to figure out what is best for their child, whether teaching sign language is the best approach, or whether they should go for a cochlear implant as soon as possible. Or a mix. I understand that it’s a very daunting process and a difficult choice.
But if the reaction is simply because the child is deaf, as I said, I feel sorry for the child already because he or she will have to struggle with some perceived inferiority on the part of his or her parents. This burden is especially magnified if that child has a hearing sibling and the parent tends to favor the hearing sibling over the deaf child.
Parents, especially this one, need to understand that they’re supposed to be advocates for their children, and provide unconditional love, no matter what, especially at the beginning. The child may disappoint you, but mature adults understand that’s being part of being a parent — you run the risk of that, but… hey, nobody said that being a parent was an easy task.
It is really hard for parents to find information sometimes. The only “deaf” people they know are gramma and gramps or the other elders. I lost my hearing at age 14 and my parents didn’t know anything at all. Ignorance in the hearing world is very abundant. Even now I’ll meet a hearing parent of another hard of hearing “kid” who is near my age and the parent will say ‘oh, you lost your hearing so late, That’s why…’ they don’t usually say more than that, but I guess they are thinking: that’s why you’re doing so well, that’s why you speak so clearly, that’s why my child is different than you are…
agreed.. when my parents found out I was Deaf they were told that I would never read beyond 4th grade level and were heart broken as they’re avid book readers with a living room full of books.. it was the myths associated with Deafness that upset them. (i made it way past 4th grade *winks*) …. however despite the initial shock, with time they came to accept it, especially after seeing the highly interactive and stimulated kids at The Learning Center for the Deaf where they eventually sent me. They now would never change a thing because they know I wouldn’t be me without my Deafness.. Yet they did go through a phase of shock, my mother cried and everything.. Its normal!
The postcard seems to be about the overwhelming barrage of material dumped on the parent. The business end of the baby is shown in the picture; but not its face.
This parent feels bewildered–all the material focuses on hearing, hearing aids, medical treatment, devices but nothing on parenting or loving or developing a relationship with the baby. The parent is crying about having to cope with a deaf baby and feels robbed because of thinking that hearing babies are a lot less work. There seems to be a terror of guilt–what if one isn’t a good enough parent? So much to read and study up!
Hopefully a helper will appear to guide this parent toward the real priorities in childraising: love, connection, flexibility, confidence and rejecting what does not fit.
Your mom.
What if she sent in that card?
Oh, this is begging for a million “Your mom…” jokes.
*bites tongue*
I know! :D
Yo mamma sent in that card by snail mail ‘cuz she so dumb that she can’t figure out how to use e-mail. *lame yo-mamma joke*
That’s still funny, though!
“Yo momma’s so dumb that every time the hearing aid batteries die, she keeps buying new hearing aids!”
*probably lame too, ha!*
Hahahaha! Keep ‘em coming…I love lame-o jokes…I’ve been known to emit a few groaners but can’t think related to the subject material. ;-D
That parent is dreaming if they think that life is perfect for anyone. Every parent of a “normal” child is also thinking that their life is screwed up, that they didn’t bargain for this, that they envy everyone who doesn’t have to deal with screaming kids at 2am, diapers, and baby-spew on their office clothing.
It’s so easy to think that All Your Troubles are due to the one thing that’s unique and different about you, when in reality, there’s no perfect life.
No perfect life? Tell that to the parent with a baby that sleeps through the night, that walks at 10 months, and starts speaking perfect understandable English at 18 months, and gets all straight A’s throughout school, is the valedictorian, and then goes to Harvard. :->
SIM, I don’t see what your point is. There is NO perfect life….. everyone has skeletons of various decomposition.
OK, gather all of those qualities, and add a balanced and thoughtful child, drug and disease free, and not likely to bring home a child before marriage, and so forth. That strikes to me as a perfect child.
What is YOUR definition?
This was originally a tongue in cheek comment, but I’d say that it (and this thread) has struck a nerve in you. Why is that?
a perfect child is a happy child. =)
but in all reality, there isn’t a definite “perfect” life, because not everyone thinks the same way. =) (despite my objections heh)
Please do not project.
Despite what you may think, there are fairly normal families out there without psychological or other problems. Not everyone is out of “Peyton Place,” or “Desperate Housewives,” or “Ordinary People,” or even, “Requiem for a Dream.”
if anyone here understands that, I’ll be the first to admit it. =-)
Ditto…
It was awesome to see Ellen Burstyn walking around in her nightgown going, “I’m going to be on television! I’m going to be on television!” Darren Aronfonsky rocks.
Guess there are not a lot of cinephiles here. Oh well.
Show me a baby that sleeps all the way through and never pukes on something made of cashmere, and I’ll show you some beachfront property I can let go in Kansas for real cheap. :-)
Deafness IS a medical irregularity, it’s not a dermatology issue, it doesn’t depend on a balance of or a lack of melanin. If I were a parent, I’d do whatever it takes to lessen the blow that comes from the disadvantages of being deaf. I don’t care what it takes….. I will do whatever i can to ensure that my child can communicate with the the majority.
One argument I’ve heard against your kind of comment is that every hour of speech therapy and surgery is one less hour being a normal child. This was also an observation that Rosalyn Gannon made during the “Through Deaf Eyes” TV program.
Hey… you have your life and it’s up to you how you if you want to remain reclusive or not. This is my child and h/she will have the best opportunities I can provide, and deaf culture isn’t the best opportunity.
btw… another argument is that, a disability just means more responsibility and time invested in the development of the child.
“…deaf culture isn’t the best opportunity.”
I can see a lot of people taking issue with that statement. However, I can see your point. I would advocate a mixed approach, but, yes, it is the child’s best interests that are first and foremost.
Re: your “argument” - “…a disability just means more responsibility and time invested in the development of the child.”
So a child without a disability is easy and they don’t deserve time invested in their development? Just water and feed them then call it a day?
Any child deserves time invested in them regardless of perceived disability or not.
Carrie, what are you trying to say? I’m sorry it’s hard for you to accept, but a Child without any disabilities is going to be a hell of a lot easier to raise than one with a disability.
why? for example, if the parent doesnt’ know anything about deaf kids, kids with CP, kids with 3 eyes, kids with 3 legs and 25 toes, or a child who can’t see, it’s going to take more effort.
What do you mean, what am I trying to say? I think I spelled it out pretty clearly - you’re saying that a child without a disability doesn’t deserve time invested in his/her development. That’s essentially what your original comment says.
Hard for me to accept? Take a look in the mirror, buddy. *You* obviously have issues with your disability (and I say disability because *you* see it as a disability; so therefore, *you* are disabled - this is information I have gleaned from your many postings on various deafdc.com blogs) and you’re taking it out on your own child. Is that fair? Did you like it when your parent(s) took their issues out on you?
Uhh… you like to assume.
I’m sorry you are saying it’s wrong for me to make sure my kid has a future? check out the deaf culture’s track record…. ratio of drop outs, illiterate students, social advantages, and so forth. I have NOTHING against my disability, I chose my path and which is best for ME, the deaf culture treated me like garbage… far worse than the hearing world itself. (granted not everyone acts the same way… not everyone is a jerk) I will not have my child experience that. Because I want the best opportunities (doors) available for my child, i’m taking my frustrations out on my child?
who the hell are you to assume what kind of life I’ve had? My childhood wasn’t simple… nor was it creamed puffs and bubble baths.
No bubble baths? You missed out on a lot!
Your reactions alone just proved my point. You have deep-seated issues with a “perfect” child (as indicated in your response to SIM above) and the bitterness you appear to harbor towards your own childhood as evidenced in your last paragraph above. No one’s childhood was “simple”. There’s no such thing as a perfect child who is “simple”. Janis said it best: “Every parent of a “normal” child is also thinking that their life is screwed up, that they didn’t bargain for this, that they envy everyone who doesn’t have to deal with screaming kids at 2am, diapers, and baby-spew on their office clothing.”
’nuff said.
Carrie, I expect no less from you, given my candor and reactions towards people, I accept the view that you have in mind of me.
I know i cannot make a perfect child, nor can i make them “normal” as you put it, but you cannot sit there and tell me that I don’t have the right to fight for whats best for my child. I know I’m not perfect, I know i’m infallible, but I also know about reality. The cold hard truth…. you can’t cover it up with ketchup or chocolate syrup.
How’s that taking it out on anything or have this “anger” inside of me? maybe you need to step back and think a little before you lash out at me with assumptions that are entirely incorrect and biased.
I mean, “i’m not infallible” (we need an edit button)
I know this for a fact, if I entered the Deaf culture a lot sooner in my life, I would have been a more happier, emotionally ‘normal’ child growing up. Speech therapy and hearing aids were the worst times during my childhood. Thanks to audism and oralism, I am nucking futs!
If you want your kid to be happy, make everything as accessible to the child as possible, EVEN consider Deaf culture as an option!
I wanted to comment on punkybrewster’s comment: “I’m sorry it’s hard for you to accept, but a Child without any disabilities is going to be a hell of a lot easier to raise than one with a disability.”
That’s an overgeneralization and it depends on the severity of the disability. How many families out there that have children without disabilities who have severe psychological issues? Many. And guess what? Some of them have siblings that have disabilities and are much more successful in life. So, better watch what you’re saying.
Shane–
With all due respect, what really is a “normal” child, anyway? By whose definition? Doctors’? Scientists’? Psychologists’? Social workers’? The list goes on…..
Really, who defines such a label? Should some of us be labeled “normal” because we did not pursue speech therapy and so on?
Really, think about it.
Aquafina,
You’re right. Remove the word “normal” and my point is more accurate.
I gotta say that I feel sorry for your child if s/he is ever born.
I feel even more sorry for the partner you’re planning to hook up with, unless you already have one. Seeking for the “perfect child” mentality tends to parallell the unrealistic “perfect wo/man” mentality.
So good luck with that unhealthy mentality you have.
what’s wrong with you guys? can’t read? i know I can’t make a perfect child so…
Let me try and make this more clear,
I know I’m not the answer to everything, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me, I know I am not omnipotent, I know I will make mistakes…..
I’m just saying that I do not believe that if my child was deaf, that s/he will benefit more through mainstream than otherwise.
that’s it.. so Learn2read
This postcard is a powerful reality of how many parents feel during the grieving process with the system that currently exists. This breaks my heart.
The card also proves how the medical system creates undue stress on the parents. Why cant we make it a wonderful experience with wonderful resource of support and guidance. It is not the case in our society with the medical system impeding the normal, health process of providing support to the parents.
We as a community have the power to create positive changes. I love what Amy Efron Cohen presented, The Greatest Irony. Its the beginning of how we can identify ways our system is broken, and create positive solutions.
Maybe the parent is grieving because they are coming to the realization that if they don’t haul ass and put extra effort to invest in the child’s upbringing and education, then the child will end up at Gally and flunk math…or worse.
No, really, tell us how you really feel.
I guess you didn’t get the joke of my *name*…
*Hint - its a famous mathematical sequence.
And if you really want to know how I feel - I feel bad that my parents had to make many sacrifices - they spent many hours going to sign language courses, taking me to speech therapy, fighting the school system, forgoing some vacations and so on. ‘Course, I’m thankful that they did this, but at the same time, it was a big sacrifice and I feel bad about that.
You asked for my opinion, so there you go!
You shouldn’t feel bad about your parents (well, not too much) since I think it’s a parent’s role to do the best for their child. Their reward is someone who is so fascinated with the Fibonacci sequence and presumably wields that knowledge to good effect.
The Fibonacci effect is a complex narrowing spiral - in other words, have you seen ? :)
Yeah, the conch or seashell effect.
Or the golden spiral as Wikipedia states.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibonacci_number
Or as I call it, the Man from Atlantis logo.
I’m at the point where all my friends/family seem to be having babies. So far I’ve given away 3 Signing Smart baby sign language books, and have requests from 2 more people who want to do baby sign language. They are all hearing with hearing children, so I think it’s really great they are interested. My biggest reason for wanting my own baby is so I could teach him or her to sign… I feel left out! :)
Of course a child who is deaf will need a slightly different curriculum down the road than one used to teach sign to hearing babies, but I hope that this “phenomena” continues to be popular because it would help parents of deaf babies see how enabling sign language can be. Mainstreaming at the pre-pre-school level.
Sign language at an early age has been shown to accelerate language development, so I’m not surprised.
That postcard is sad. I feel sorry for the mom who sent it in. For most parents, finding out that your child is deaf is a devastating thing, and you have the doctors telling you gotta give the kid hearing aids, or cochlear implants, blah blah. There’s very little exposure to the deaf community in the beginning.
I hope eventually the parents find the deaf community, and get all information possible on deafness, so they will make the best decision possible for their child. Medical information on deafness isn’t enough.
“I hope eventually the parents find the deaf community, and get all information possible on deafness, so they will make the best decision possible for their child. Medical information on deafness isn’t enough.”
This is true, but consider the effect of the news on the presumably hearing parents. Would they fear that their deaf child would be engulfed by the deaf community and lose all contact with them like a cult?
I would hope not. The child is still the hearing parents’. But the deaf community is a huge resource that the hearing dismisses, like labeling them as a cult. :P
You guys who think “normal children” would be easier to raise are just talking theoretically. There is no guarantee that a perfectly turned out baby will stay that way through adolescence with all the social problems that seem to target the young the most. Drugs, violence, internet predators, absent, uninvolved, abusive parents, the list goes on. This postcard parent needs to get a grip on that.
In a way, deaf children are more easily protected from these evils by virtue of their deafness. They just don’t hear about them. Sometimes a little communication isolation is a good thing.
“In a way, deaf children are more easily protected from these evils by virtue of their deafness.”
I strongly disagree with this. Maybe, but only if you’ve been in a cocoon all of your junior-high and high school years - fully mainstreamed with zero friends, zero siblings. Otherwise, you’re at an even greater risk of facing chemical dependency issues.
I’m not sure why, but this postcard made me think of a “woe is me” article I read a few months ago (sorry, can’t recall where). The article was written by a black woman who gave birth to a son. She had hoped for a girl because statistics show that black women were far more likely to succeed than black men in America.
I’m sure the author plans to raise her son to the best of her ability and love him as much as she would have loved a daughter. I guess parents, in general, can’t help but have certain realities creep into their heads when they assume full responsibility for a human being.
There is an article in today’s Washington Post about a parent accepting the fact that her baby daughter has Down’s Syndrome. Contrast this attitude with the person who created the postcard.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/.....01835.html
But then again, the writer in the Washington Post article admits that it is stressful being the parent of a disabled child. She gets it right when she says: “Sure, it is stressful and sometimes frightening to be the parent of a child with a disability. But I think you would be hard-pressed to find a parent who will tell you that it isn’t stressful and sometimes frightening to be the parent of any child.”
Perhaps the postcard writer is in the stages of denial before he or she starts accepting?
Good point SIM. I suspect that the baby in the picture is real (it doesn’t look fake), so you are probably right, the parent is dealing with the initial shock of learning that his/her baby is deaf.