I’m sure many of us have had the experience of trying to understand our hearing dates. In the video clip below, a hearing guy is trying to break up with his semi-deaf girlfriend. FYI, it’s not captioned, but with some lip-reading, you’ll get the gist of it.
Click the arrow to play.
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Just as a side note- The whole point of the skit is actually that the girl is just pretending not to hear him. At the end she quietly says, “I’ll tell you when this relationship’s not working,” then goes back to pretending not to hear him.
Should\’ve made mention of that in my entry. Thanks.
Relationships are hard work. Why make things more complicated by throwing the inevitable communication issues that are bound to surface in deaf-hearing relationships? Is it worth it?
Why make things more complicated? Love. Lust. Sex. Companionship. Mutual interests. I don’t even think it’s even worth asking that question…humans have been trying to answer it for millennia.
And there are a lot of people in deaf-hearing relationships who say it’s all worth it, and more!
I’d have to agree with Adam. How are the cultural conflicts within deaf-hearing relationships any different from those that result from dating someone of a different race or ethnicity? I say, go with what feels right and deal with the rest as it comes.
The difference is communication inequity.
My mistake; I read it too fast.
Spoken like a true, young naivete, Mr. Stone.
Above all, clear communication is the key indicator of a relationship’s success. Not love, lust or sex. I used to believe that successful deaf-hearing relationships were only possible if both sides understood and appreciated the other’s thought and sensory processes. I was wrong. Of course, I was wrong. I was once married to a hearing man.
At the end of the work day, when my kids are in bed and after all is said and done, the last thing I need is to expend energy.
Natural and effortless communication with one’s spouse or partner is a priceless activity and absolutely essential to the continuity of any relationship.
I don’t doubt what you said, Jolene. Natural and effortless communication is vital to a relationship’s survival. But are you saying it’s not possible to achieve that in a deaf-hearing relationship?
I think she means that… it is possible as long as both persons agree to learn about each other’s culture in order to communicate effectively and “natural and effortless”.
Sweetheart, what part of “natural and effortless” do you not understand?
And its nice to see that you now want to discuss this as your original response arrogantly suggested that the subject wasn’t worthy of discussion.
And yes, “ahh” is correct.
i appreciate jolene sharing her unfortunate experience with a hearing man. but do NOT disrespect others by saying they’re wrong or naive. i definitely agree it is hard to have a relationship with someone from a very different world, especially one with a different language. we have to keep in mind the friends and family from the person you date and the surroundings the couple is in. and the language both people have to learn to adapt to. etc. etc. etc.
i’m in a relationship with a hearing person and it’s hard on both sides. but the reward is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and much worth it. what makes my relationship so special is the effort BOTH of us put into this bond and that’s the basic language of all relationship.. love. *grin*
please think twice before telling other people what is “right” and what is “wrong” cuz you ain’t miss thang, jolene.
Not to discredit your comment… but you might want to take into consideration that…. in majority case… deaf guy and hearing woman relationship (on intimiate level) tend to fare well… better than deaf woman and hearing guy…
One may say it is because women (not all) are usually interested to communicate and learn about other culture… whereas, men… (ahem)… There u go:-)
i’ know jeremy had a wonderful relationship with kirk in ithaca and i need to contact you jeremy asap. footor2@aol.com please contact me your friend alex and the pugs
Is it worth it? It is a good question. In the book, “Everyone Here Spoke Sign Language: Hereditary Deafness on Martha’s Vineyard” by Nora Ellan Groce showed it is possible. My jaws dropped when reading the book. That mixed deaf/hearing community in the 19th century viewed deafness as just another physical trait. But is it worth it in 2006?
out of curiousity… what’s your answer to “.. is it worth it in 2006?”
I knew someone will ask for my answer. I opted not to answer for two reasons: I do not have enough relationship experience to share my thoughts and things do change across cultures and over time. Here’s another question. Will the year 2006 be the same as the year 2106? I doubt.
Both books, “The World is Flat” by Thomas Friedman and “The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness” by Stephen Covey, mentioned the Internet Age started in 1989 when the Berlin Walls came down. Things changed so much over time and does it make a big difference in maintaining a relationship with someone?
Maybe reframe the question to signer/non-signer relationships as opposed to deaf/hearing relationships? Why assume hearing = non-signers/not knowledgeable about the DEAF-WORLD?
good point!
[…] Sorry but I have to sidestep the “Elitism” issue for a moment. Actually, I plan to post at Rob’s entry but mine is quite lengthy so I created this entry about it instead. […]
Ad to the mix the fact that my partner are not native speakers of English lip reading and/or piecing together what they are saying (I am hard of hearing and wear a hearing aid) can be downright impossible. That being said, we’ve been together for almost 5 years (which in Gay years is like 20). Perhaps not being able to communicate well is part of our secret.
This video segement is from the FOX’s “MAD TV” satire tv programming. I know the face of performers.
As a culturally deaf person, I find this video enclosure to be tiresome stupid and pathetic. I do not believe in any form of censorship at all. The “You Tube” video enclosure ought to submit the info underlying the video that it is a parody stuff from the FOX’s “MAD-TV”. I am talking about the responsibility of media outlet as an educational outreach.
Where is the NAD’s media department issuing out the press release to educate the general public about the inaccurate portrayal of deaf people? Other minorities have their own media watchdog group like the Anti-Defamation League and the GLADD (gay,lebasian,bisexual and transgender community).
I have to say that this video enclosure for the forum discussion on the “hearing-deaf” relationship to be done in poor taste.
Where is the hard statistic data about how and why we have the hearing-deaf relationship?
Many deaf women of the past married hearing guys for economic reasons (finanical security), not for love. My deaf mother was one of them. She was in the loveless marriage. How sad!
Audism increasingly spread within the current society at large due to the presence of IKJ and their parrot-speaking creatures. How true!
I do have alot of evidences pointing out to IKJ’s unseen influence on the society at large which he leave the “chain reaction” of societal behaviors toward deaf people in general.
I once dated a well-rounded guy, who ended up calling the Deaf President Now (DPN) a real mess. I tried to reasonate with him, but I had to draw the line.
Several individuals via blog postings are correct about the basic indeterigents of hearing-deaf relationship largely based on SEX, INTRIGUE AND CULTURAL CURIOUSITY.
I usually date guys, who know my own native language - American Sign Language. I would not bother dating hearing guys in the first place if they do not share my language.
I did have the intense discussions about how the “Children of Lesser God” film influenced many hearing guys the misconception of deaf gals to be sexual beings, not the whole package. The Gally English Literature professor wholly agreed with me which she noticed alot of hearing guys misassumed about deaf gals as exotic stuff.
Robert L. Mason (RLM)
“The Gally English Literature professor” in reference to?
Since you use the definite article of “the”, I reasoned that there is a specific person you are referring to. I look into your response, and find who you were referring to…
It is not a big deal, I was just wondering…
That would be Dr. Jennifer Nelson, Gally English professor.
Everyone loves Jennifer Nelson…
I remember an article in the Wash Post or some paper like that which said hearing gay guys liked to **** deaf gay guys and listen to the noises they made. So unusual and exotic… Is this audism? No, just a bizarre fetish…
As an oral deaf woman, I found it easier to date hearing people than vice versa because of communication issues. It’s harder for me to try and date a deaf person because their main mode of communication is ASL, and as someone who’s just only beginning to learn the language, it gets tiring having to fingerspell everything out. So I find it easier communicating with hearing people because I don’t have to slow my speech down, or to make sure that they can see my lips, or wait to speak when their back is turned.
Does that mean I’ll never date a deaf person? Of course not, especially if the relationship with the deaf person is great that I would consider the communication issues irrevelant. If the spark’s not there….then not.
As a divorced woman who has been married 2 a hearing man, the lesson learned is:
Birds of a feather flock together.
More often than not, hearing & deaf people are not similar creatures. 2 coexist in similar pastures, a goat would have 2 don the costume of a sheep 2 comfortably fit in. And 2 take this further, the goat would also have 2 be able to fluently “baaa”.
This may be a poor analogy but I’m sure u get the point.
Jolene, I do not think the sheep/goat analogy is fair because humans and their complex relationships cannot be compared to umm… animals.
Oh god that’s hilarious.
According to Aristotle, we are social animals:-)
As someone who was raised in a deaf family, the “hearing household” is foreign to me. When dating someone hearing, I hated wondering, “Am I making too much noise with these dishes?”, “Is the volume on the TV too loud” and even, “Are the noises that are made in the loo - normal or even obscene?”
Don’t laugh but I used to have a firm set of dating criteria. One criterion was that the person had to be deaf. Period.
For me, “dating deaf” meant that I would always be well-within my comfort zone. I once thought, “I work with hearing people all day. Why bother with the struggle of dating hearing people at the end of the day? What for?”
But I succumbed. :) The “dating hearing” experience has been interesting. One learns so much for they have access to auditory stimuli that we don’t. But of course, the addiction to this stimuli shouldn’t be the sole reason for doing it. For it to work out, you have to unconditionally love the hearing person, have made compromises that allow for a peaceful co-existence and well, whatever else it takes.
“Dating deaf” of course, is ideal. But to exclude the hearing as being potential mates is a bit extreme and maybe even a cop-out. You just never know. You might meet a CODA or interpreter who actually understands you. (but the vice versa would need to be true as well) The hearing date might have a pair of big, puckered lips that actually move and are lipreadable. Your possible hearing soulmate might even have a natural flair for picking up languages quickly.
In short, very few people experience true love. If the opportunity presents itself, why deny it?
well said. however i thought i’d add that statistically about 90% of deaf-hearing marriages end in divorce. dunno about gay relationships.
Ben, what is your source?
I also heard the same thing about divorce statistics for hearing parents of deaf children.
“The hearing date might have a pair of big, puckered lips that actually move and are lipreadable.”
Hilarious. There should be a parody of Charlie Brown’s “Happiness is a Warm Puppy” book for deaf-hearing relationships.
Happiness in a Deaf-Hearing Relationship is:
-Big, fat readable lips
-The hearing person reachable via text messaging
-Never adjusting the TV volume and making the captions disappear for a short while while watching TV together
-Fingerspelling sweet nothings
and so on…okay, I’m sure other can come up with better examples. Go for it!
Another important element to consider is the social aspect OUTSIDE of the relationship. Like most relationships, you will not only be with the other person, but also be with his/her network of family members and friends. You may love the person, but if you are faced with social/communication barriers outside the relationship, it will ultimately complicate the dynamic of the core relationship itself.
JM, your comment definitely rang a bell with me. I’ve been with deaf men, and with hearing men, and all I can say is that it’s 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. I’m a culturally deaf woman who uses ASL and I also have good speech and lipreading skills; I come from a hearing family and am pretty comfortable with the hearing world. Yet my true friends and emotional center are in the Deaf community. You can imagine what my social life is like, constantly straddling those two worlds. With a deaf husband or boyfriend, I may have to mediate for him when we’re in the hearing world, or my hearing husband/boyfriend would have to mediate for me and the hearing world. I was lucky with my hearing boyfriend and his wonderful hearing friends who were very good about accommodating my communication needs. He in turn had a bit more trouble with my deaf friends because they signed so fast and did not always check to ensure that he was involved with the communication. My deaf friends, sad to say, tended to rag on him just for the fact of his being hearing. My point is that communication goes beyond just the modality, you also have to be able to say what you feel, take the other’s perspective, and to resolve and let go of friction and conflicts.
Quite true, JM. The first year or two, it’s a lot about the twosome. But, after a while, it’s all about the community on both sides and how to adapt with communication challenges. The key here is recognizing the power structure–man and woman, hearing and deaf. Or woman and woman. Man and man. It bears in mind that “love, lust…” isn’t enough. It’s a romantic ideal to say the basic language is love. To make the relationship succeed, compatability between two people has to happen. It’s not about what’s common, but how to make the common things between two people stick and still want to be together.
There are many mixed couples that I admire. There are also many deaf-deaf couples that I admire. It really is a matter of how much of a couplehood both people want together.
On the other hand, I can say from experience in both hearing-deaf and deaf-deaf relationships that there’s absolutely nothing like effortless and natural communication. There is just no substitute for it. If I had to choose a perfect hearing man and a perfect deaf man, I’d pick the latter without question. That doesn’t mean I won’t date hearing men. It just means there is a preference.
I’m just trying to figure out how to weasel a date out of this whole argument.
Hey, just ask. Don’t let certain people’s certain criteria scare you off. ;)
You don’t seem to have ever had a problem, David. :)
I am a hearing woman who just started dating a HOH man. I am finding that our communication issues leave me feeling anxious and often confused. I have concidered this and have tried to simply ask for clarity and be more patient! We have some real chemistry and I would love to get to know him better, perhaps a relationship. I really hope this can work. I am willing to put the effort foth. He can read lips well, we text and I can fingerspell and understand some ASL (took it in hgh school). I was planning on taking ASL as my language next symester anyway- so that should help. One thing that doesn’t seem to translate well is humor. I wish I had some guidence in this.
Definitely do try and meet other ‘mixed’ couples.