I’ve been a ball of conflicting voices.
You see, I’m in the process of getting a divorce from my husband, a good man who has unfortunately started down a new path, one very different from mine. While I love him and truly loved being his wife, I’m ready to get started with this new life of mine so I’ve been thinking about taking my maiden name back.
A glimpse into the ball of conflicting voices:
“It’s just a name!”
“But everyone knows me as Guberman. No one’ll recognize me with my new name.”
“That’s just plain silly. You lived with that name for 21 years, should be easy to revert back.”
“What other name could I take? How about ‘Burns’, mom’s maiden name?”
“They’re all patriarchal family names! Besides doesn’t ‘Burns’ remind you of that creepy guy from the Simpsons? Let’s make up something new. Zawadi! Your African name.”
“Nah that doesn’t have any zing - Julie Zawadi.”
“And Julie Hochgesang does? No one ever remembers how to spell it, let alone pronounce it!”
“Who cares?”
Yeah so all these voices, all these thoughts are churning about in this ball of mine. For the most part, I’m confident about changing my name. But something’s off, something’s strange. I’m reluctant to. Why this uncertainty? I’m sure part of it is fear of starting a new life, of taking on a new identity of sorts, of letting go of who I was for the last few years, of investing so much of who I am in a name. But it really is just a few letters on paper.
My friends will recall a similar dilemma I had six years ago before I got married. I posted a discussion in a chat room with my friends - “Should I change my name?” My initial reaction, “There’s no way I’m changing my name ever!!” I knew that it was all part of the patriarchal ploy to oppress women and designate them as property of men. Oh yes, then I was indignant at the slightest whiff of chivalry. Open a door for me? I glared at you for implying that I was a lesser and weaker creature. Say “ladies first” and I would huff and walk away.
The discussion yielded many comments and suggestions. And I started to re-think my initial reaction. This small julie in me said, “Don’t you want to have the same name as your husband?” Another julie said “His name is pretty cool, it even rhymes with your first two names - Julie Ann. It has a nice ring to it.” Another julie said “No one ever remembers how to spell our name! Isn’t it annoying?” From one small julie to another, the agreement spread like wildfire and they all banded together to convince me that I should change my name legally. I gave in. So for the last five years I’ve lived as Julie Ann Guberman. I liked it. My initials were cool - JAG. I even preferred my new signature. I could never master the capitalized H. It was the perfect name for my new life.
But now the discussion arises again. Which name? I’ve thought about it. And thought about it. And thought about it. Yeah, I’m going back to Julie Ann Hochgesang. Guess I need to start practicing my signature again. But I always did like the initials - JAH (it’s the same as the Rastafarian word for God, hmm…). And, I’m never ever changing it again. Now I’m a ball of one certain voice, “I am Julie Ann Hochgesang.”
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This post made me think because at first I thought, “But it’s just a name. Big deal.”
It seems to me that when a heterosexual female gets married, she has the following options: 1) Go traditional. Take the hubby’s last name; 2) Go independent. Keep the maiden name; 3) Hypenate last name while hubby chooses to keep his last name or hypenate as well; 4) Invent a new last name altogether; 5) Use maiden name legally/professionally - and hubby’s last name socially
It all just seems a bit too complicated and I think, even more so if the woman has career and/or children. And it’s even worse when divorce comes ’round.
I can’t begin to imagine the administravia behind the name change process - new passport, driver’s license, school ID, credit cards, subscriptions, frequent flier cards, address books, etc. A psychological nightmare if you ask me especially if the old married name rears its ugly face in the future.
Nevertheless, I agree, Julie. You’re in a much better place now! And you forgot to mention that you’re also a ball of fire! :)
It IS a mess of technicalities, reintroductions to friends and acquaintances, and psychological whammies (or is it ‘whammys’?). But this ball of fire can take it on! ;)
Comments:
1.) My wife was going to go with a hypenated last name…but in the end she just took mine. She cannot use my last name well in signatures and her credit cards still bear her old name.
2.) Personally, I think it’s a hassle for women and am thankful I am a man heh heh.
3.) Julie, I used to know you as a ‘Hochgesang’…I guess it works for me….
4.) You could always change your name entirely…maybe something simple like, “Cher”, “Pink”, “Carrot Top”, and etc… who says you have to have a last name anyway?
4) Any suggestions? :)
Already made one. Ball of Fire.
Hmm, i’m liking it… :)
Ok, how about (since you didn’t like my ‘formerly known as’ suggestion) you could do “The Ball of Fire formerly known as Julie G.”
Then your symbol would be the ball of fire.
Uhoh, I see a new tattoo coming on.
“The blogger formerly known as”, kinda like Prince. You could just be known as a symbol. Hmmm, I wonder what symbol you could go with.
Go for it. You’ll never look back. There was only one drawback - I keep my private life private at work. No one knew I was going through a divorce - until I changed my name. Then I had to field their questions as to why. It took me about a year to get everything straightened out. All except for my cell phone company - they wanted proof faxed twice- which still wasn’t enough - and I finally said if you don’t care about using my old name then I don’t care either. So that is the only place that gave me a hard time and which continues to use my maiden name.
the phone company??? who are they to give you a hard time? wow…
I’ve a few relatives who divorced in the 70s and had to fight in court to get their maiden names back.
!!!! That just gets me. Why does the law have so much say over our names and ultimately our identities? I do understand the logistics of it all but when it comes down to names… that’s a deeply personal issue and having to fight for it in court is just wrong. I feel for those relatives of yours.
argh oops… i’m still getting used to typing in ‘hochgesang’ and not ‘guberman’
It’s not hard today at all. Your attorney will ask you if you want to change your name and if so, to what. A paragraph is added to the divorce papers (The actual divorce decree is a simple one or two page document, depending on where you live.) Usually credit card companies and utilities are satisfied with a copy of the decree. But the bank, MVA, and a few other places wanted to see (and feel) the actual notarized court copy. I didn’t even bother to change magazine subscriptions.
that’s correct about today. myself I like my last name and if I have kids, they’ll use the father’s name. after age of 18, up to them. have bigger fish to fry than changing mazagine subscriptions. good luck julie -
Changing last name indicates an opening to a new chapter of the person’s life. With quick thinking, I say it is positive.
Well, I don’t believe a woman should change her name because she is married. Most men never consider changing their names, why should we? On the flipside, many women are eager to take on their married new name because they’ll share it with their children someday. That’s understandable. But what if they get divorced? It’s really pain in the ass to change your name back, checking aoount, credit cards, IRS, social security, etc. It’s 2006 and we are still having this discussion.
Anyway, speaking of hyphenated names,(sorry to say but…)I myself oppose the idea of hyphenating names because they can be soo cumbersome. Can you imagine that your child’s hyphenated name is so long that won’t fit on his jersey or whatever? And plus some hyphenated names do not so flow well together. Can you imagine hyphenating two different ethnic names (Jewish and Muslim)?? We just need to use our judgement how to hyphenate our names or children names.
Julie, congrats on changing back to your orginal name where you sentimentally connect to your identity once again. Remember, when you were two years old learning to spell your name, that’s the name you learned. It’s who you always have been. Right? I will try to practice your last name because I have never seen that name, Hochgesang in my entire life. Where did the name come from? Good luck with your paperwork, reintroductions, etc. I like your inital, JAH. GRIN***
“Hochgesang” is a German name. Funny because my co-worker, a Deaf man who’s from Germany, told me today it has a strong religious connotation in Germany. It’s a word for “gospel” and apparently brings to mind an image of “heaven”. Hmm, what’s up with the connections to God here?? Too bad I’m an atheist…
Anyway, thank you!
True and I agree. However, I am having a second thought about keeping my last name when I get
married one day, probably against my will.
Why? You ask. For as long as I can remember, my last name is often spelled with just one n’s instead of two at the end because of this other more common last name. It is getting tiresome to have to correct different people again and again. My tolerance is none other than zilch!
My dad’s humor did help but not for long. When he was not in a good shape at the hospital on the bed, I saw his last name spelled with one n at the end on his door. I said to him, “Papa, here they go again.” He goes, “No, dear, these people ran out
of ink.” I couldn’t help but laughed out loud.
So, I don’t think I want to deal with it for the rest of my life. I’ll leave it to the whole bunch of men in my family to deal with it ha! Either I take the man’s last name or change my last name
to my mother’s maiden name. As for latter, I don’t know how hard that’ll be to do.
When it comes to taking another name that isn’t your maiden name or married name, it can become complicated fast, depending on the good humor of the judge you meet.
I understand entirely about people misspelling your name. That’s pretty funny about your dad… “they ran out of ink.” Good attitude.
There’s this name trend going on where the mother’s maiden name becomes the middle name for the child so that it’d show the lineage of the mother. With this name arrangement, it won’t be entirely patriarchial. Like if the parents are John Smith and Jane Doe and the kid’s name could be Mary Doe Smith.
:)
Here’s a thought: why is it the WOMAN that has to make this decision? And why do the children have to have the man’s last name?
I knew one couple where the man actually changed his last name and took her last name when they got married. That was seriously cool.
I don’t see why we women are saddled with this choice, frankly. I’m keeping my last name. I don’t know about my children, but I hope Mr. Omigawd is open to the possibility of their taking my last name, not his. A couple I know just got married after being together for over a decade and they have children together. She took his last name, and I was soooooo disappointed. Just because she has a ring on her finger, her identity changed - when they have been together and functioning as a family for so long with her keeping her mnaiden name???
This may seem radical, but, really, I think both people should consider it and not just assume the men keep their name and the children get his last name. That’s whack.
Whoops - typo. maiden, not mnaiden. *blush*
I always thought of you as Julie Hochgesang from my CSUN days, didn’t even know you had changed your last name when you got married! :) So at least there is one person out there who recognizes you by the Hochgesang name!
:) Hi Pepe!
Sorry to hear about your divorce, but I think you’re doing the right thing by gaining back your identity - even though you preferred your former spouse’s name. You seem young and I’m sure you will find your next suitor in no time :)
I dunno, I always liked Hochgesang better than Guberman.