Several years ago, I had a good talk with a friend of mine who was planning on going through a sex change operation. She had long been a proudly out Lesbian, and I asked what had prompted her to decide to change her outward gender in a way that would effectively turn her into a straight man. What she told me in response was a relevation to me, and which has since then helped me understand gender identity in others.
I hope I can do my friend’s explanation justice. Here goes.
Think of gender identity as having three factors:
- Your actual, outward (and current) gender;
- The gender that you are attracted to;
- The gender inside you.
The first gender identity factor is your actual, OUTWARD (and current) gender. Men are male, women are female.
The second factor is the gender that you are ATTRACTED to. As a gay man, I’m attracted to males, and if you’re a straight man or a lesbian then you’re attracted to females. Bisexuals, well, they’re attracted to both genders.
So, putting these first two factors together in order and using M’s (for male) and F’s (for female), that makes me MM (male outside, attracted to males), a straight man is MF (male outside, attracted to females), a straight woman is FM. Lesbians are FF. Bisexuals, I’m not sure where they fall under my friend’s taxonomy, but they would be MB or FB.
With me so far?
According to my friend, what many folks don’t (consciously) realize or recognize is that everyone has a third factor - the gender you identify with INSIDE yourself. Let’s use a third M or F to identify that. Most straight men feel male inside, making them MFM (male outside, attracted to females, male inside). I feel like a male inside and so does my partner, so we’re MMM (male outside, attracted to males, male inside). Likewise, most straight women would feel female inside, and would be tagged as FMF.
But some gay men feel like they’re actually female inside (MMF), while some lesbians feel like they’re male inside (FFM). Some straight men (MFF) and straight women (FMM) feel this conflict also. For some people (whether gay, lesbian, or straight), this internal orientation is so overpowering that they cross-dress or have surgery to change their gender. Thus, a fem male gay man changing his gender would go from MMF to FMF (a straight woman). A seemingly macho straight guy changing his gender would go from MFF to FFF (a lesbian). And what could appear as a proud Lesbian could change her gender and go from FFM to MFM (a straight man).
Makes sense? I know this explanation may seem too simplistic. It doesn’t really explain away the difference between labelling one as being gay or as a queer, which may just be degrees of identity (but others may prove me wrong). Yet, thanks to my friend, this has helped me go a long way toward understanding how macho straight men or butch lesbians could desire to have a sex change operation.
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This is interesting. I’ll have to sit and think about it a bit more. But I do have one nagging question…did your friend proceed with the sex change operation? It’s not relevant to what your post was about, but it will help me understand the whole M/F thing, I think.
Yes, he did. :-)
I have one question…according to your friend’s breakdown, why would a macho straight man desire a sex change operation? If he is a MFM, then it’s all peaches and cream, correct?
Even some macho straight men feel like they’re female inside (MFF instead of MFM). Perhaps they’ve worked on their behavior so that this doesn’t outwardly show, or something like that. I’d think that MFM macho men wouldn’t have this kind of conflict, tho.
So if a MFF has a sex change operation, does it mean he would be considered a lesbian because he was already attracted to females?
I’ve often wondered how much of gender identity (even what you feel inside) is socially controlled. For instance, it seems that there are some cultures where sex change operations are more socially acceptable than living as an out gay man or lesbian woman. And so the prevalence of gender changes seems higher. Alternately, there are cultures that are quite willing to diagnose so-called “gender-confusion disorders” at even a very young age and those children are allowed to live as a different gender while protected by the culture at large. (I believe there have been elementary students in Japan that have done this very thing.) As well, there are indigenous cultures that have so-called third genders. I’m not sure there is an answer. I just think that’s interesting to look at the way that gender is perceived culturally and how that influences a person’s decision on how to live and be perceived.
question to ponder — how much of that third component of gender identity rests upon stereotype?
i saw neat gender divisions for the most part until i finished college. When it came to working, it depended on the industry… like i said, in academia there’s that easy demarcation for the most part. however, it’s different in business. i’ve had female co-workers and supervisors exhibit male characteristics to the point where it was ridiculous and sexist to keep on calling them “male” characteristics. got me to realize they’re constructs, and therefore fabrications.
but “construct” is the gentler of the two so i’ll use it here. back to what i was asking, how much of that third component of gender identity rests upon societal constructs?
i’d not know the answer to that, but i admit to judging my maleness (not manhood, mind you) based on the people i interact with and the portrayals the media feed me.
Good questions - that’s why I said the difference between being gay and being QUEER is probably more of degrees / personality rather than any actual factors.
I once babysat a four-year-old boy who was definitely not your “typical” 4yo boy. He was more interested in artistic expression, and wanted to wear skirts and dresses, not shorts and shorts/pants. He’s probably around 15 now, and I’m very curious to see how he self-identifies as an adult.
His own parents think he was probably born into the wrong sexual anatomy and have said they would support him having a sex change operation if he identifies as female as an adult.
And he’s an only child, so it has nothing to do with having male or female siblings. In this case, I’d say nature definitely played a big role. :) I’m just relieved that his parents recognize him for what he likes and wants, rather than trying to force him into what contrived society says males should do or be. :)
Vikki - hmm, you know, on second thought, I’m not too sure if a straight man who then undergoes a sex change operation would be called a lesbian, or a transsexual woman, or ….. Good question. Hmmm.
Right…good questions generated by a good blog. Great job, Josh!
A female-born friend of mine recently began identifying herself as male. While he takes hormone therapy to look like a man, he decided not to have the surgery to change his sex. I’ve known him since he was 2 years old (now 26). Even back then, my friend preferred to dress like a boy, play with boys, and play with boy toys. He has an older sister and a younger brother so it was definitely not an environmental influence since he was exposed to both genders. His self-esteem has completely turned around for the better since he began identifying himself as male and he seems more comfortable in this role than when he had the female identity.
Now, I’ve talked to this friend about how he identifies himself relationship-wise. He didn’t consider himself a lesbian when he was a female and has NEVER been attracted to lesbians but at the same time, he does not have the genitals of a male so he can’t really call himself heterosexual although he acts like a straight man. It’s a really fascinating and complicated issue which he’s still figuring out. For the time being, he is searching for an open-minded straight woman who accepts him for who he is: a male with female genitals.
I’ve also met men who were changing to women. The one man (both were hearing but I don’t think deaf/hearing makes a difference) showed me poems he wrote as a young boy, 3rd or 4th grade, asking God why was he a boy when he felt like he was a girl.
Later I have learned there is a medical condition called (I think) hermaphrodite (sp?) where the individual has both sets of male and female sex organs. It could be cause parents did drugs or alcohol or someone else further up ancestry did, and dna was changed.
So apparently all these years when it was discovered, doctors would pressure parents, decide now, which you want boy? girl? and have a sex change operation as an infant (so parents could tell their family and friends “oh we have a boy” or “we have a girl” rather then “we have an ‘it’ or ‘both’” which is hard to explain?
Then a year or so ago I read an article and I’ve just kicked myself for not saving it, but the researchers found out there was actual psychological differences in boys and girls that would manifest more obvious as they got to be older, maybe by age 2, and that they recommended it would be better, if at all possible, to let the hermaphrodite grow older and then see how the personality evolved and THEN make decision to have the extra sex organ removed. That is, if a kid starts acting more like a boy but looked girl, then once it became more obvious he was and acted like a boy, then remove the girl organs so his brain and hormones would be able to take over and continue on with the boy development process. Or conversely, if more obviously acting like a girl, being a girl - inside - then go ahead and remove the male organs, and she’d go ahead at that point and the hormones would go ahead and help her mature into a girl and a woman.
So not sure it makes sense because I can’t cite the exact research I read, but it does to me and so I’m comfortable when I meet people who have confided into me their “disability” when I say it’s only a “different ability” - when they see I am comfortable talking about my deafness, they seem to open up and I’ve learned a little more about each situation.
But of course others keep repressing themselves because they are not sure how to go about dealing with their conflicting feelings of “opposite sex” from what their outside sex tells them they “are”.
Hope this make sense and I really hope it does not cause anyone offense because that certainly is not my intent.