By Michael Royer

Dad, Grandpa, Dad-to-be — this one’s for you: “Just be one.”

When my wife and I married in January of 2003, it wasn’t long before we were expecting our first child. Nine months after our honeymoon, to be precise. Naturally, I was thrilled to be a father and I had already made a promise to myself a long time ago to break a dysfunctional cycle in my life – the cycle of an absent father. I was going to be committed for the whole ride in my children’s lives — physically and emotionally. Fred Barnes, writing an article entitled “Quantity time” in The New Republic magazine says “90 percent of fatherhood is just showing up.” He’s right.

Many fathers in today’s society are dysfunctional – they resort to things that keep them in prolonged absences from their children; such as substance abuse, abandoning their marriages, sports addictions and their careers. According to a National Fatherhood Initiative survey, 91% of 701 participants “agreed” that there is a “father-absence” in this country. Further, the Fatherhood Initiative study showed that co-residence with children and marriage to their mother is important to responsible fatherhood.

I was born into a Navy military family with my father often deployed at length, usually 6-9 months. I loved the geographic benefit of my father’s job because the exotic postcards were always a neat topic among friends and family. Birthdays and Christmas were postcards and checks; occasionally my dad would add some sentimental thought to accompany the financial gift. This is how I knew him - “the postcard dad”.  I wonder why he never learned, other than the classic use of his middle finger, to communicate with my oldest brother and me during our trials and tribulations of growing up with a hearing loss. And nothing has changed five years after his retirement. Honestly, I don’t have much sympathy for him. His father was not one to show affection either.  

Children have lots of buddies; a father shouldn’t aim to be one of them. If you abdicate your role of being a father, there is no one else to do it. Children will look to their fathers as role models, especially my son, to see how to handle his testosterone driven temper, his behavior towards women, and that real man can demonstrate empathy and compassion.

Michael Royer and his wife Alicia live in Reston, VA with their two children, Annemarie and Joshua. When Michael is not working, he enjoys watching Elmo, nursery rhymes, matchbox cars, and Dora the Explorer.