The New York Times published an article this morning about men who are married to women but also sleep with men. Over the past year, there have been some articles in this vein about well-known cruising places near the city where men stop off for a quickie before speeding down the highway towards their children and a nice penne dinner. This seems to be more common than we realize.
This article describes the pain that these men go through trying to figure out how to live their lives. There are some men who want to remain married to their wives (also known as “beards”) but also have someone on the side. This arrangement has worked for various couples throughout the years but often, when the wife finds out that her husband is in an active homosexual relationship, she wants to end the marriage.
This one guy got divorced after 24 years with a woman he loved, and he’s now trying to figure out how to find love with another man in middle age. He describes his loneliness and there is another blog by a man who writes about not knowing the “rules” in gay culture. He writes about going out to his first gay bar, changing his clothes several times, then arriving at to an empty bar at 11 only to realize later that he had arrived too early.
I thought it was interesting how these men go through a process of learning the social norms of a different community and how the researchers who did a survey on the percentage of married men who are gay got different numbers, depending on how they asked their questions.
For example, according to Gary J. Gates, a demographer at the Williams Institute, of the 75 million American men who have ever been married, 1.3 million identify themselves as gay or bisexual. When asked about their behavior instead of their identity, the number doubles.
These men stay married for various reasons… Fear of ostracism, fear of losing their suburban lifestyles, or they truly are in love with their wives. In this day and age, when many gay men live openly and raise families in some parts of the country, this phenomenon continues to exist.
It’s funny… The New York Times does a lot of articles like this but where are the lesbians? Do women go through the same thing? What is the “beard” for a lesbian?
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The “beard” for lesbians is called a “purse”.
However, I was under the impression that beards and purses are those who know they are covering for the gays or lesbians.
The situation you described above about married men and their wives. I wouldn’t necessarily call them beards because from my understanding, beards are aware what they are doing and are covering up for someone else.
This an interesting “phenomenon” as you called it. The reason is because a question has been raised if this “trend” will continue with the younger generation. You see, today, more and more gays are coming out at a younger age.
10 years ago, some gays wouldn’t even dare think about coming out in high school. Today, don’t be surprised to find gays in middle school coming out.
This wasn’t possible 20, 30, 40+ years ago. You were expected to get married and have children. Society wasn’t exactly open about it. People kind of knew you were gay if you were an actor or a singer but it just wasn’t discussed.
Now, the trend continues especially for some people, especially if you’re Black, Hispanic, Asian, Christian, etc. In the Black and Hispanic communities, sex between some married men does exist but it’s never discussed. These men wouldn’t dare call themselves gay but something that men do as “recreational activities”.
There’s a term, “down low”. However, from my understanding that seems to apply to Black men. I’m not sure if this term can be applied to anyone else. J.L. King wrote a book about this, “On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of ‘Straight’ Black Men Who Sleep with Men”.
The sad thing is that the wives are innocent in this and sometimes pay the price. J.L. King’s ex-wife, Brenda Stone Browder, also wrote about the down low, “On The Up And Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low”.
Under consistent societal pressure, religious scoldings, cultural norms and familial threats of being disowned, gay men and women will continue to play the “pretend game”, even if it means deceiving their spouses.
A purse? Really? I don’t see the logic for using that term because a beard covers something up, wheras a purse doesn’t, unless the person carries it in a defensive manner.
Also, I don’t know if the term “beard” actually refers to someone who is aware that that she is such. I’ll look it up in the urban dictionary.
“Purse” was coined because of a stereotypical perception. The notion is that lesbians, generally, do not carry a purse. Therefore, a purse “makes” a woman. That’s why men are called “purses” for lesbians.
The world has been and continues to be unkind to those who do not identify as heterosexual.
Married men who later realize that they are gay or that they live in more tolerant times - are not coming out because of a fear of disrupting the family.
I think many are choosing to wait until their kids are 18 or until they find themselves working in environs that have nondiscrimination policies.
The Washington Post had a similar article two years ago and at around the time when Governor McGreevey declared himself as a gay American.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/.....Aug13.html
not entirely off the point, but erin does bring up a thought. we have a lot of awareness with gay culture. there are stores, clubs, events, articles, word of mouth, and other media and activities that portray the variety lifestyles of gay men.
yet, i don’t know a lot about lesbians and the world they thrive in. am i ignorant or is it hidden?
you’re not alone. i think it has to do with visibility.
there used to be a lesbian bookstore next to Annie’s Steakhouse. not there any more. i just found out that there’s only 1 lesbian bar in dc. hung jury has been closed.
go to lambda rising and you’ll see a plethora of magazines for gay men. yet, no more than 5 for lesbians.
there seems to be a good amount of movies and books for lesbians, yet, those numbers triple or quadruple (if not more) for gay men.
I don’t think the lack of visibility or acknowledgement is limited to the lesbian culture. It is a widespread problem for the female gender, regardless of sexual orientation. I’m not going to get preachy and feminist here - this is an observation.
I am a female and I am constantly struck by the lack of recognition, pay, what have you that the female gender faces.
agreed, i think its just another example of womens issues being subordinate to men’s.
Men and Women are stimulated by different elements when it comes to sex. When a man sees a beautiful lady, he is half aroused already. Women aren’t, generally, like this (they have the better set of chromosomes, accept it), thus I believe the lack of lesbian skin rags or so isn’t due to societal perspective, but rather due to a business perspective. Just compare the sales figure of Playboy and Playgirl.
FYI - I am a male
Erin, another great post. Thanks!
I also noticed the same phenomenon. Lesbians are underrepresented everywhere, although their presence is just as real as those of gays. I wonder if it has anything to do with how the gender expectations seem to be less pigeon-holed for women (or is it the other way around? You tell me.). So there’s perhaps less need for them to garner public support.
On a side note, never trust statistics. But then again, that’s my mantra everywhere I go- numbers are never quite right no matter how many times you recalculate. Now, don’t ask me why I want to go back to school for a mathematical degree.
Why is it that straight men love to see two women get it on while women are disgusted by seeing two men getting it on….
gay men everywhere…. what do you do with all that santorum at the end of each session?
Actually, I’m turned on by two guys getting it on together—Queer As Folks, anyone? And I’m a woman.
And I’m turned on by two women making out, and I’m a straight woman. Go figure, huh?
I’ve also noted that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people tend to be more “out” in major metropolitan areas where there is a critical mass of others like themselves. That’s not the case in smaller cities, rural areas, and more conservative states like the Southeast and Midwest. So in those areas, there’d be much more of an incentive to keep quiet about one’s orientation. In the San Francisco Bay area, lesbians get quite a bit of press, and the local newspapers are open about stating that there is a partner, children, etc. SF is pretty far from the norm, though.
I think this phenomenon has to do with safety. One’s life would be at stake if he/she were to be out in areas that are predominantly conservative. Incredibly sad but true.
If you’ve watched “Boys Don’t Cry”, you’ll see how different the perception/tolerance is in rural areas for people that are “different” (i.e. glbt) vs in most major metropolitan areas where for the most part glbt individuals feel a sense of community and a “safe” zone.
On an episode of Bravo’s “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” the featured guy was a transgendered female-to-male. The Fab 5 did a great job with him. The guy then had a party on a boat to celebrate his coming out, and his family (including mom and dad) and friends all came. It was so touching and beautiful. Imagine the audience that show could have reached. Apologies if this seems off-topic, I thought it was sort of relevant since we’re talking about openness.
As a gay man who has slept with straight men and sometimes married straight men, I want to add something.
This is not always about the coming out process and/or a mans comfort level with his sexuality. The fact of the matter is that its possible to engage in homosexual sex and not be gay just as its possible to be deaf and not Deaf.
Many of the men I have encountered who are on the Down Low {Yes it can be men of any race and the label is not entirely for the black community) do it because they enjoy the thrill of it and they actually enjoy the sexual side of it.
Humans by nature are sexual creatures, society has over the years suppressed thse natural desires through social, religious and other means.
Men enjoy sex and when an opportunity to “get off” arise its not always about their sexuality but more about their ability to be sexual or more to the point to have sex.
Baffling, isn’t it? Many gays are able to get married to women & have some sorts of sex life w/ them. So it proves that they can perform sexually w/ the opposite sex. Let’s not forget that they would be able to father children with their wives. It would not be achieved when it comes to other men!
There will be always hot debates about homosexuality for years to come. But many men are able to conquer their homosexual desires where they would learn how to work on issues that would cause them to yearn for sex w/ other men. Often, it would be due to having a lack of a strong father figure while growing up. Or being sexually molested may be a factor! Or being smothered too much by a mother that they would be portrayed as the mommy’s boy! The bottom line is when many young boys who never have healthy relationships with older men such as fathers, uncles, coaches, etc., their feelings toward the same sex would become eroticized, romaniticized and sexualized later in their teenage years! Sadly, many gays usually would feel uncomfortable having strong friendships with straight men. It has been shown that when many men w/ homosexual tendencies would feel much less tempted to have urges to fantasize about other men if they are able to maintain healthy friendships with many straight men. I am not talking about surface friendships but deep relationships that would feel brotherly!
I don’t buy the concept that some people are born gay. God would not wish such anguish on them as there are already more than enough problems to deal in this world! Men would just seek sexual relief w/ other men…nothing more. To them, men are just sexual objects like some straight men would consider women in that aspect!
Some former gays told me how they would resent the gay lifestyle for feeding them lies that they are born gay & nothing they can do about it. It is because they would somehow develop feelings for the opposite sex eventually that they would marry women. How ironic because they would originally look for Mr. Right only to end up marrying Miss Right instead! Only shows you that many gays are not truly 100 percent homosexual as some of them would secretly fool around with women. Yet they would publicly state that they are gay in order not to cause a stir among their gay friends who would only become more confused about their sexuality if they know some of their gay friends are not really full-fledged homosexuals!
We can go in circles for hours, days & weeks regarding this touchy subject. Sexuality is a touchy subject to tackle! That is why churches & Christians need to show unconditional love toward homosexuals like they would do with alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, liars, adulterers & stealers.
Sadly, too many gay men are pressured into marriage by the society. That is why they should tackle their true feelings before even considering marriage to a woman. If they know they couldn’t be faithful while being married, marriage should be out of the question. Nothing wrong with being single & celibate. That way, no one can get hurt. Yet if men still want to get married, they should seek counseling so they would not have to struggle so much w/ the same sex attraction when they are married to women! Of course, if one wishes to be gay, accepts a gay identity or embraces the gay lifestyle, it is his choice!
Heavenly Father, God Above, Angels of Heaven please bless and forgive “Questioning Homosexuality” for they know not what they speak.
Homosexuality my dear friend is no more a sin than any of the following, I hope you do not partake for the gates of hell shall swing wide for your soul as well.
* Planting Two Crops in the same field (Leviticus 19:19)
* Wearing Garments made of two different fibers (Leviticus 19:19)
* Contact with a female during her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24)
* Touching the Skin of a Dead Pig (Leviticus 11:6-8)
* Male having a haircut - especially having the hair around the temples cut (Leviticus 19:27)
* Wearing glasses or afflicted with pimples, acne or excema etc. (Leviticus 21:20)
* Being a Homosexual (Leviticus 18:22)
* Curse, Blaspheme or otherwise take the lords name in vain (Leviticus 24:10-16)
* Eat Shellfish (inclusive of prawns, crabs, lobster etc) (Leviticus 11:10)
Amen!
Lolypup,
These verses are from the Old Testament. We are currently living in the era of the New Testament!
So its ok to pick and choose which sins you want to bring to the new era. This my friend is the 21st century, there is no reason to believe that God would do anything but love all his creatures, sinners and saints alike.
Judgement is for God alone, we shall not attempt to think we can interpret his intentions and twist the meaning of the bible to suit our own agendas regardless of what they might be.
You say its impossible to be born gay for God would not do something so cruel with all the other burdens man has to face, the same can be said of why he imposes deafness, blindess and worst on so many of us.
Your right this is not a discussion that can be argued nor is it one that you yourself can make judgement on for that alone is a sin.
Lolypup,
I am afraid you have misunderstood me. I love gays & lesbians since they are God’s children as well! They are no better than us as we all are sinners.
Yet we all have to be accountable to our sins with God regardless of what! Can you imagine telling an adulterer that it is perfectly okay to commit adultery when it is stated in the Bible that it is morally wrong? That is why it applies the same to the homosexuals. Of course, the same goes for liars, prostitutes, abusers, criminals. It is not always easy following God’s commandments. We all would question His intentions from time to time but He is the Mighty Father of all!
That is why people who struggle with same sex attractions, should be able to be open about it out there in the world w/o the fear of being ostracized. We should not have to keep our sins a secret in fear of people labeling, judging & condemning us. Why, recovering alcoholics, drug addicts & gamblers are in the same boat. Many of them can’t be open neither since the world is too harsh on certain groups of people!
Do not compare me or other gay and lesbians to criminals and worst and do not assume that I or anyone else who might be gay is struggling with our sexuality.
I am perfectly fine with my sexuality perhaps your not so comfortable with yours?
To answer your question, I am very happily comfortable w/ my sexuality. I would not change it for anything! Since we are not on the same page, it is no point continuing w/ the argument. I wish you the best!
and I pray for you!
Questioning Homosexuality, I do not love you. Please do not love me. I dont want you to love me, you pervert.
I happen to think that xians are perverts.
R-
Of course, I would continue to love you in the name of Christ even if you kick me in the face & stomach! It is what Jesus would have done which is called unconditional love! Sorry but I can’t hate you!
Well, some Christians are perverts. Too many people expect Christians to be saints but it is not the case. Many Christians struggle just like the rest of the world! Of course, they make many mistakes including judging & condemning. You should have guts to stand up to Christians if you think their attitudes are not Christianlike. They need to be rebuked in order to keep their faith!
Honey, I do that many times. That’s why I address them as Xians, not Christians.
Because they’re full of ****.
R-
Just discovered this powerful letter on http://www.pfox.org. This letter has nothing to do with religion. What Simon said really drives points home. No wonder many gays aren’t happy in the gay lifestyle. They want to have a great-looking lover but they would feel inferior if they don’t have the right looks!
As an ex-gay man, I feel that the homosexual lifestyle itself is the biggest reason to change. It is the WORST lifestyle a person could ever lead. It is said, among the most experienced homosexuals, that those who are better adjusted are the ones who abandon all hope of having a life-partner, and instead settle for all they can realistically achieve: anonymous sexual encounters. Do we realize what that means?
The gay lifestyle reduces, on average, a person’s lifespan by more than 20 years. Even when corrected for AIDS, it is still alarming how much a person’s lifespan is reduced.
Study after study after study confirms the terrible levels of depression, suicide, drug abuse, and STDs prevalent in the lifestyle. And let’s not even go into the bitchiness and childishness so prevalent in the gay subculture.
Even if one fools oneself into believing that one can avoid the
depression, suicide, drug abuse, and STDs - one cannot avoid watching your friends suffer and die from such things all around you. Of course, when I say friends I should say “friends”. They are only your “friends” so long as they can get what they want from you.
Because the gay world is like a meat market - you are only worth what you possess. Once you get really old (like, 30) you’re not wanted anymore. And a the life of a fat guy, a disabled guy, or a guy with a small penis, is worth a lot less than a thin, fit, and large guy. Your personality and your personal happiness are secondary to your physical appearance. How often I have seen two gay guys deeply “in love” separate because they’ve found someone else fitter, or don’t think the other is good-looking anymore.
Which brings me to gay “love”. It’s a myth. It doesn’t exist. Anyone with the slightest bit of common sense who is in the gay world can see how often gay men break-up, and how fragile relationships are. They’re totally immature. They practically move in after just meeting, and break up when they find someone better. But none of them can see this futile cycle due to their own denial and blindness to the truth that gay “love” is a mere fairytale. Infidelity is the norm in the gay world. The average relationship lasts only a year.
If there’s one constant thing I’ve seen in the gay world, it’s depression. And it’s not caused by “oppression” or “bias” in society. It’s caused by the gay “community” itself. It’s a sad pathetic lifestyle that damages people.
RUN A MILE. Get away from it. Don’t touch it.
You don’t need it. You’re worth far more than being sucked in by and used by that selfish world. Pursue therapy, feel better, feel more masculine, have *real* male friends who actually love you for who you are, and not for what you’ve got that they can take.
And change doesn’t require a religion. Most of my change took place
without one, so it is possible. The strictly psychological therapy books don’t include any religious things anyway, so one is free to pursue a strictly medical treatment.
Kind regards,
Simon
You bring up alot of points and I would wish to touch upon each of them but I have not the time nor the patience to argue.
However, how dare you bring your biased information into this discussion about gay life spans and AIDS.
Since this is a DC blog allow me to enlighten you to the fact that right now as I type this message 1 out of every 20 people in the District are HIV positive and DC has the largest number of HIV infections in the entire country.
Thats 1 out of every 20 people, NOT 1 out of every 20 gay people.
AIDS is a scary reality do not try and attempt to bring it into a discussion about homosexuality for it has nothing to do with being gay.
Bobby White
HIV Intervention Counselor
Deaf REACH - Washington, DC
It is hard to understand why many people would not resort to taking precautions when they are educated about HIV prevention. Why would so many gays have bareback sex? Is it because they are suffering from safe sex fatigue after years of wearing condoms all the time that they just don’t feel like continuing w/ safe sex? It saddens me that so many gays have AIDS since they have so much to offer to the world.
People should not judge or condemn the ones who are stricken with AIDS. AIDS is not discriminatory or selective as it strikes every groups, origins, races, children & religions worldwide. That is why there is a strong urge for more volunteers to help out w/ these who have AIDS. Hate is not the answer. Mercy is the correct term. Jesus would preach that if he is here today.
“It saddens me that so many gays have AIDS since they have so much to offer to the world.”
Does it not sadden you that so many people in this world have AIDS, in fact so many more straight people in this world have AIDS than gay. Are you not saddened by the fact that straight people have AIDS?
That children have AIDS, that mothers have AIDS?
Are you not concerned that one of the largest growing segments of new AIDS cases is among women?
Are you worried or sad for all the countless teenagers in America another fast and growing segment of our AIDS crisis?
Are you not sad for all these others for do they not also have so much to offer?
Are you not sad about the fact that so many in the deaf community are also HIV positive, straight and gay alike?
What makes us gays so special that you feel sad for us when we are currently at the bottom of the statistic pile when it comes to new HIV/AIDS cases?
Bobby White
HIV Intervention Counselor
Deaf REACH - Washington, DC
No need to twist words to your liking. I am well aware that you may not like my earlier postings. But you didn’t answer my question about why gays are barebacking which is a very dangerous practice.
Doesn’t it strike you strange that double standards would be practiced? Gays always want total acceptance & respect from straights for their lifestyle but would come down hard on these who want to leave the gay lifestyle to get married to a woman or whatever? Why would it be that the gay culture would welcome men so heartily who would leave their wives & kids to pursue a gay identity? But would give gays a hard time when they feel they are really bisexual instead of solely gay!
Once again, it is very obvious that we are not on the same page. I pray that God will bless you in many ways as well as touch your heart!
Blessings in Christ!
Questioning Homosexuality,
You asked about gay men barebacking. Honey, that’s no different than straight people not practicing safe sex. People, whether gay or straight, should be practicing safe sex.
In response to Ex-gay man, if you want to convernt yourself to be a straight man, more power to you. However, just because you haven’t found “gay love” doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.
This September, my partner and I will celebrate our 6 years of being together. These 6 years have been wonderful!
What bugs me is that people love to point out the flaws or the “myths” or the “dangerous practices” in the gay communities. Yet, they fail to see that straight people are just the same. Straight people don’t always practice safe sex. Straight people don’t always have lasting relationships. They break up in a week, a month, a year, etc. Some people get in a relationship, once in their lifetime. Some get maybe a couple in a year. And some get like 20 or more in a year.
I forgot who said it but someone said that straight people are so much more interested in our sex lives than we are. Be fair with your assessment of the gay lives by including the straight counterparts. Both are the same and both could use improvements in all aspects of life.
Questioning Homosexuality,
I didnt answer your question about gay men barebacking because the question was an insult. However since Larry answered the question for me I see no reason for me to repeat it.
If you read my response you will note that as of today gay men make up the smallest percentage of AIDS cases. Braebacking is simply unsafe sex which as Larry pointed out happens with straights as well, in fact its more common.
Did I mention one of the fastest growing numbers of new HIV cases is among women, would you like me to explain why?
Its rather scary, its not called barebacking thats a term thats been coined for the gay community but allow me to share anyways.
Its misguided faith, love and respect for their marriage, their relationships and their partners who go out and cheat on them.
Its a two way street straights have as much responsibility as anyone when it comes to AIDS.
So the next time you want to discuss AIDS lets discuss it in the context thats proper as a human disease as a world disease not as a gay disease.
Blessed by Christ already, Thank you very much!
Bobby, ignore that ex-gay fella — he probably trekked to adult bookstores and do anonymous sex all the time.
about his listing of problems afflicted with gay men — it is BECAUSE of people like him — the society drove gay men to turn against each other for years.
R-
What you said would be exactly the same thing I would say 5-10 years ago. I was very gay & wore it as a badge for many years. Was totally into the gay lifestyle. People would vouch that I was very pro-gay! So life does change when it is totally unexpected. Wouldn’t want to go back to the old life for anything in the world! What is disturbing would be that many gays have a hard time accepting that other gays would become ex-gays. Talk about practicing tolerance! How you treat me would be exactly how straights would treat gays in the old days by belitting them!
You remind me of this *** who claimed to be straight but he was caught at Mr. P’s, a gay bar in DC.
Please do NOT talk tolerance to me — after the fact that for years, the Xians waged a battle to prevent us from having the basic rights as American i.e. gay marriage, the right to serve in military, and so on … and you are telling me to practice some kind of tolerance for you?
Well, kiss my ***.
R-
Simon, your delivery was beautiful. However one thing remains- I find so many good and very beautiful men and I would even die to marry one. I have been saving it for a long time, and am the perpetual partner in waiting. My worst torment is that I’m very desirable and attract people of all kinds. But there’s always that same old darn social rule that we stay at least an arm’s length away from each other. Why is that rule persistent today? I’ve been in love before, and have faith that love will come alive again.
I’ve seen many married women getting off on quickies. It’s a double standard as far as the media is concerned. That’s akin to blacks getting headlines for killing a white but white getting the backpages for killing a black. Same goes for females raping a male and making the backpages contrary to males raping a female and making the front pages. A refreshing observation but it’s old news, really.
Clarification—I’ve seen many married women getting off on quickies outside the marriage. Same goes for having seen many married men doing likewise. Biased crap need not apply here.
Comments such as those made by RLM are not allowed on my blog. They are inappropriate and they will be removed. Things like this take the fun out of blogging. Please have some respect.
Just read the article. Well, why should I be concerned about these married men who are so obviously into themselves. The primary thing is that these married men wanted to do WELL for HIMSELF, not for anyone else.
That means what? Just another self-absorbed delusional guy who wants his own way even to disregard anyone’s feelings. His feelings are MORE important than the others, according to him. When a wife wanted to separate, the guy was shocked. See? He did not consider HER feelings. He was more into himself.
To me, friends, that is a sign of selfish attitude.
R-
Robert:
This is not the space for you to get into the specifics of sexual acts. I am deleting your comments, and yours only, because they are inappropriate and contain references to specific sexual acts. The “ground rules” for comments aren’t posted because it’s simply common sense… Or maybe in your case, not so common after all.
Kind regards,
Erin
I agree with you, Erin, but too late… I already laid eyes on that distasteful entry. Ewww. Is there any way DeafDC.com can pre-screen RLM’s comments before they get onto the blog? There’s been more than one occasion when his comments crossed the line.
Maybe the entire thing has gone askew: it does not really have to do with sexual preference. The problem lies in MEN, per se. Men in both worlds show examples of lust and sexual issues: adult video stores, magazines and websites, gay bathhouses, etc. For straight and gay men, there are plenty of escorts and prostitutes, but for straight and lesbian women, what is really out there? Just male-strippers at a bar? They’re not all that ubiquitious.
Anyway, anti-gay ideas are not to stem from this argument. Straight women have to be double-wary and mindful of the male partners’ extracurricular activities as well. There simply are fewer guys who are capable of keeping a healthy relationships in both worlds, so it’s only natural that gay guys have it going harder. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack, but it’s there.