The other day I went shopping, and as usual, I went about my own business. That is, until I rounded one corner and saw a cute little girl trailing her parents, who were toting her empty stroller as *they* went about their own business. I was with my wife, and of course, we were discussing whether or not we needed a certain item, and if we liked this one or that. Occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, I’d catch the little girl looking curiously at us. Ah, obviously she’s wondering about why those funny adults are using their hands that way!
As we reached the end of the aisle, we bumped into Mommy and Daddy. We smile. Mommy and Daddy smile back. Little girl catches up, looks at us again. All of a sudden, Mommy looks down and says, “Say hi!” She fingerspells H-I as she speaks. We smile again, and wave at the little girl. Suddenly bashful, she turns away. Mommy looks up, smiles again, and explains she’s learned some signs and fingerspelling at school, or camp, or some similar place. We smile again and say that’s great, then look back and smile at the little girl again, who’s found something far more interesting than the grownups Mommy and Daddy are talking to. Smiling again, we extricate ourselves and again go about our business.
Let’s stop for a moment: Just how many of you, my readers, have been in a similar situation in the past? Most, if not all of you, right? Maybe many of you would have handled it as I did. Others may have been more dismissive. Still others of you may actually have engaged yourselves far more, suggesting places to practice learning more signs and interacting with ASL users. There may be even a number of you who might have done absolutely nothing at all, or just fled immediately.
There are times when I’ve done all of the above. It really depends on the situation, time constraints, who’s involved, and what I feel like I want to do at that moment. Yet underneath I’m always conscious that there’s a hidden factor involved: I could be the twentieth deaf person my new-found acquaintance has “met,” or I could be the FIRST. Do I act “myself,” or do I do my very best to model myself as the best possible representative of the Deaf community there is? How much time do I spend? What information do I volunteer? Sometimes I feel like I’m a perpetual ambassador for the Deaf-World — but should I be? Where do I draw the line? Am I being a charming human being, or am I setting up unrealistic expectations of what a deaf/Deaf person is like? If I’m in a bearish mood, do I risk a negative perception? Why is it even important for me to have to consider being a deaf (or THE deaf) person first, rather than just being David Evans? I am David and I’m deaf, but that’s not all there is to me.
What about you? Do you think we consciously (or unconsciously!) act as “perpetual ambassadors”? Do we have an obligation to? Have you ever drawn the line, and why?
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I think it’s all too easy for us deaf people (particularly if we live in DC) to overstate our importance in this world. Deaf people aren’t everywhere. Hearing people can go years without seeing a single deaf person.
So, being on your best behavior is important. But hah, will anyone follow that rule? My sister and I flew to California yesterday to visit our folks, and there was this creepy guy who was STARING at us the entire time. The whole flight from DC to Phoenix.
His mind must have been blown to bits from sitting next to two siblings signing furiously.
To add insult to injury, he helpfully showed my sister the emergency procedures pamphlet. When the drink cart came down the aisle, he opened the in-flight magazine to the page with all the drinks listed, and pointed them out to us. And then proceeded to stare at us the rest of the flight.
I was THIS close to just writing back, “yo, we’re college educated and we’ve probably been on more flights in the last two minutes than you’ve been in your whole life. so shut up and look out the window!”
Rawr. But that wouldn’t have been being a good ambassador, would it?
*shrug*
Audre Lorde wouldn’t agree. Lorde would tell people to educate themselves. She’d say it’s not her job as a Black woman to forever teach other people what it means to be a Black woman. There’s plenty else written round the world.
We Deaf people are often encouraged to be china-doll versions of ourselves. I reject that. We’ve been around long enough for the others to learn about us, show they any interest.
Adam, why didn’t you ask him why he was staring? Rudeness is rudeness, after all.
Well-said, David. I agree that it is important to be a good ambassador. Joseph has a point, but civility is always the best bet, no matter what the situation is - deaf to deaf or whatever. Simple politeness goes a long way. I’ve found myself resentful of being in that situation, depending on my mood, but the one or two times I’ve been short, I’ve regretted it. Who knows if that person was going to go in a deaf-related field or whatever? We need as many allies as we can get. We don’t need to set up shop and teach them everything we know, but two minutes out of our lives and a smile aren’t gonna hurt. As for how long do we spend, what do we say, etc, it’s a judgement call, IMO, depending on the situation.
[…] Gallaudet’s presidential search has undoubtedly taken over the headlines. Adam’s review of Steve Weiner, Ron Stern, and Jane Fernandes, are all good reads. Several controversial topics were also raised: Bush’s potential impeachment (Bobby), censorship of network TV (Adam), tracking people via cellphones (Julie), keeping the Internet free (David), plugging away at pagers while driving (Rob), and being a Deaf ambassador (David). […]
Hm. I’m not sure if I would have taken Adam’s route and fought back the impulse to say something, or if I would have stared right back (something I *have* done before– I excuse little kids out of their natural ignorance/curiosity, but anyone over age 7 should know better than to stare). Probably would have depended on what mood I was in…
While I agree with Jenny that you always want to encourage potential interpreters/allies, I also am intrigued by Joseph’s comments. I too feel that I shouldn’t have to spend my entire life educating people, but that’s how it seems sometimes. As for the “china doll” bit, I agree. It seems we’re expected to not rock the boat, to be heroic, to be passive and agreeable on the surface. How then do we combat that “china doll” image while maintaining some semblance of civility? Any suggestions for successfully achieving balance between the public and private spheres of our lives as deaf/Deaf people?
Being nice to a child is always a good thing to do. One good experience can make all the difference for a lifetime. For the airplane guy, Adam is way too polite… rude is rude and that guy needed an education. It might not require a rude-back response but if he just doesn’t know, it might have really changed things for him if you’d said, thanks but we are both college educated people with professional careers, we travel by air every month, and we can order drinks by ourselves thank you very much but if you are buying, I’ll have a scotch and water. and then smile big!
I like Elliot’s way of dealing with that. We don’t have to be nice. We only have to be civil. Big difference there.
I’ll give you a personal example. I took a yoga class, and there was a girl there who was sorta creepy, like Adam’s airport guy. She picked up the sign-in sheet and walked up to me with this broad, wild-eyed grin. Then she handed me the sheet.
So I signed the sheet, and both signed and voiced, “Thanks.” The tone of my voice was clearly civil, but also conveyed my puzzlement and discomfort at her approaching me like that. She never bothered me again, but I observed her trying to learn sign and such. So all was not lost.
The best way to make long-lasting, profound changes is to do it one person at a time. So if you want to see changes in the Deaf world, then unfortunately you gotta be ambassadors when the situation arises.
My 2 long cents.
~ A Deaf Pundit
Very interesting. I agree that you MUST be nice to children– it’s expected even of child-hating grinches not to kick them, you know.
Hearing people are actually expected to respond to almost all inquiries directed at them. It’s kind of sick, in a way. It means us deaf have to turn around and find people glaring at us for “ignoring them” out of rudeness.
I have a hearing dog and I am slowly getting used to the fact that my deafness is more “visible” now– although frankly from the number of people that ask me for directions, obviously not visible enough ;). But no more dirty looks, ahhh.
Boy, do I feel this “ambassador” pressure at times… and I also force myself to reject it again and again or I’ll drive myself insane.
Civility is good, very good. We should all pretend to be actual human beings. I routinely sign “thank you” to cashiers and other people I interact with. If I feel like it, I’ll maybe joke as things arise. I see them all the time, you know.
You are not obligated to go out of your way to be more socially friendly than a hearing person.
Whenever I feel pressured to “explain” deafness to a nosy parker of a stranger, I find myself thinking of Alice in Dilbert: “Must…control.. fist of death.” Don’t you?
I am finding again and again that “no I don’t need to let people fondle my dog just because they want to.” I thought I was okay until the day I saw a woman trying to get my dog to jump on her, and it hit me hard that she was trying to undo my training because she thought it was cute.
Anyway, people don’t have a right to explore your handicap because they’re curious, either. “Hey, is that an ipod or a cochlear implant? What is that sidekick thingy? Can I try it?”
Chant along with me… “Must… control… deaf fist of death!!!”
Most times, they are often just trying to say hi in an socially awkward manner. Just do the old subject shuffle, or pretend to be deaf and do the sidewalk shuffle.