A curious socio-biological phenomenon: As a deaf man I apparently don’t know how to get anywhere in a town that I’ve lived in for eight years.

Now this isn’t as strictly true as it first might appear. I can draw you a pretty decent map to everything within two or three miles of my house, and I can get you to all of the major highways with no problem whatsoever. The only thing I can’t do is direct you to indecipherable gibberish.

I was trained to lip read the differences between a “b” and a “p.” I can spot that little tongue-behind-the-teeth flick that indicates a “t.” And that goldfish pucker? A “w,” no sweat! I can pick all of that up. My lip reading skills are actually pretty good! If a guy pulls up next to me while I’m walking to BlockBuster or wherever and says, “Can you tell me how to get to indecipherable gibberish?” then by my count, if I lip read everything except those last two words, I successfully lip read eighty percent of everything he said!

Now my question for you is this: How should I respond to the guy?

People ask me for directions all of the time. I’m a walker. I look like I know where I’m going because more often than not, I do! I have long since tried to make myself less accessible-looking by shaving my head and growing a satanic goatee. You’d figure people would leave me alone, but no. Floridian retirees in station wagons ask me for directions. Pregnant mothers in SUVs filled with Sunflower Camp children ask me for directions. On one memorable occasion even the leader of a gang of unicyclists (he had a goatee too but his was merely unfashionable) asked me for directions. So let’s face it: Absolutely nobody finds me threatening. People will be asking me for directions for the remainder of my gentle walking deaf creature existence!

I used to have a similar problem with BlockBuster clerks. Whenever they asked me if I’d like to join their indecipherable gibberish programs, I used to say, “I’m sorry, I’m deaf.” But I soon forced myself to stop apologizing, because there’s no reason that I should be sorry. It’s not like I did anything wrong, right?

But I’ve since found that dumping the apology and simply telling people I’m deaf does a lot more than get me out of joining indecipherable gibberish BlockBuster programs. It also causes people to apologize to me, as if they did something wrong, and then drive off toward (or away from) whatever indecipherable gibberish destination they originally wanted directions to in the first place! This is not psychologically healthy for anybody, because what happens if they never get there? Bam, they end up projecting their navigational incompetence onto me, the gentle walking deaf creature!

Even worse is when these people have already tried (and for the exact same reason… probably failed) to get directions from some other deaf person in the past. Imagine the seething resentment that has built up by now! This is why I also hesitate to say “I’m deaf, would you mind writing down the name of the place you’re trying to get to?” All of a sudden I see in their eyes the math of a lion calculating the distance to an unsuspecting gazelle. “Sure!” they’ll say, grinning toothily, and then wave me over from where I’m standing on the sidewalk. It doesn’t matter if you look both ways before you cross the street. Once they start writing that note, it’s all too easy to get lulled into the trap and lose sight of the fact that you’re standing in the middle of the road. Some of these people write so slowly, you can’t help but wonder if that’s exactly where they want you to stay!

So help me out here. How should I respond? I’m morally averse to statements such as “I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” because I certainly can help them get to almost any destination they might wish to arrive at other than indecipherable gibberish. Equally problematic is saying “I won’t help you,” or some equivalent of that. I find such statements unbearably rude (and untrue, because even if I ultimately end up not helping a given driver find indecipherable gibberish, I was certainly willing). It might be easier to just keep on walking as if I didn’t hear the guy—pause here to appreciate the irony—but this action hurts my sense of personal pride. Lost motorists are not bums hitting me up for change. Whether I choose to ignore him or not, there isn’t a bum in Washington D.C. who doubts that I know how to direct him back to his street corner.

Hopefully you’ll have some advice for me soon. I’ve considered giving up walking, but even when I’m stopped at intersections in my Toyota waiting for the light to change, people will pull up next to me and ask me for directions anyway! It’s existential hell I tell you!

I can’t escape!


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