For those of you who don’t know this, Crab Theory is a theory that the Deaf community uses to explain why so many successful D/deaf people are so often viciously criticized or “pulled down” by other, presumably less successful D/deaf persons. The phenomenon has supposedly been observed in crabs that have been placed in a bucket. Whenever one tries to climb out, the others through sheer startle reflex drag it back down. Translation: because I am threatened, not only can you not be better than me, but your chances for escape from our circumstances must never be better than mine.

For those of you who have long since become tired of the hold (well, pinch) that Crab Theory has over our community, I have created below a list of five maneuvers for overcoming it.

1) The “Outlet” Maneuver

Stand in the midst of the crabs and hold up a DVD. Shout, “I have created a visual presentation that will teach us to work together in harmony!” Then look around for an electrical outlet to plug the projector into. When you can’t find one in the bucket (surprise!) tell the other crabs not to worry, you’ll be right back—you just have to climb out of the bucket and find a place to plug it in. Then simply don’t return.

2) The “Medical” Maneuver

Overlapping terminology used by both the “medical malady” camp and the “linguistic/cultural minority” camp has confused this community to the point of hostile paranoia. So run around inside the bucket screaming “I know a way out! I know a way out!” This will startle the broadest range of crabs (both upper- and lower-case “c”) as badly as possible, causing them to indiscriminately pile on. Drag yourself—and them—to the nurse’s office. When she asks you what’s wrong, sputter out a choked response of “C…crabs!” While your meaning is technically open to interpretation, in a nurse’s office, there will be more than enough disgust and revulsion (albeit for a wide variety of reasons) to make everyone let go. So be ready. Amidst their furious shrieks, sprint for the side of the bucket, climb up, and get free.

3) The “Administrative” Maneuver

Tell the other crabs that you have a plan for creating a sophisticated and structured pyramid that will serve as a ladder everyone can use to escape from the bucket. Then supervise the proceedings. The base of the pyramid must be steadied with interlocking claws and shells. The integrity of its second level, similarly, must be strengthened by tying eyestalks together. And finally, its pinnacle must be the firmest level of all, requiring a grip of iron and the utmost concentration upon the levels below. When the pyramid is finished (that is to say, when all the other crabs can neither move nor see) prance to the top, climb over the edge of the bucket, and get out.

4) The “Mission Impossible” Maneuver

Acidic bile can be obtained from the internal chemical mixtures of resentment and petty jealousy. Generate this constantly until ample amounts have been manufactured. Secrete said acidic bile along the seam where the floor of the bucket meets the walls. This will further advance whatever impact the natural process of rotting has already had on the infrastructure. Then wait for a giant hand to pick up the bucket. The bottom will fall out, sending a confused spray of water and crabs in all directions. Prepare yourself for this moment by studying that scene from Mission Impossible where Tom Cruise blows up a fish tank with a piece of explosive gum. See how he practically rides the wave out of the restaurant in the midst of the panic? With any luck you’ll be far and away before the giant hand can find a new bucket.

5) The “Harassment” Maneuver

As you attempt to climb up out of the bucket, your backside will be exposed. This makes your next move obvious. When the crabs below are startled into pulling you back down, simply scream “Stop grabbing my backside!” Get the incident on tape and sue the nearest crab for workplace harassment. Then get the EEOC to label the whole place a hostile environment and net yourself a fat settlement. The giant hand might even give you a transfer to a better bucket!