Comments on: When It’s Not About You

By: punkybrewster

punkybrewster — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 16:31:36 +0000

I know this has nothing to do with the subject of this blog, but I wanted to ask………………

WHAT is the point of this?? http://www.savegallaudet.org/?p=80

is that really something to complain about?

deaf-o’s complain about ANYTHING don’t they?

By: Virginia L. Beach

Virginia L. Beach — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 13:12:27 +0000

I have to agree with Allison.

While it was nice of your mother to take your thoughts and feelings into consideration, I think children do need to remember that in the same way that things are not always about them…sometimes things CAN’T always be about them. Parents need to have a life of their own also.

By: sisnlaw

sisnlaw — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 18:44:13 +0000

Wow, lots of good comments here! I think that even though Mark would/could not sign that he could of come up with other ways to communicate with John and not just shut him out completely (along with his mom and sister too). Obvisously Mark had his own issues to deal with……..

By: Allison Kaftan

Allison Kaftan — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 16:52:36 +0000

True. At the same time, parents have to take care of themselves before they can be ready to guide their children through life. An exhausted, frustrated parent is going to be far less effective than one who retains a sense of healthy self. It doesn’t sound like that happened in John’s story.

By: Rose

Rose — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 01:09:38 +0000

P.S. Children are more perceptive than we realize.

By: Rose

Rose — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 01:08:55 +0000

It is utmost important for parents, once they have children, is to often think of the children’s needs FIRST instead of their own! I remember when my mom divorced my dad, she started dating. There was this guy she was seeing for some time. One day, she came up to me and asked me what I thought of him. I replied that I didn’t have good “vibes” with him, giving few explanations. After that, she stopped seeing him. She thought of me and my sister first! What a wonderful mom!

By: Lai

Lai — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 13:13:33 +0000

This definitely gives me food for thought. While I am deaf raised orally in a hearing family, I am an ASL user (after having to learn sign language in high school). That doesn’t change the family dynamics even after repeated requests for them to learn sign. They come up with excuses of not having the time to learn, my not being home enough, and so forth.

This is quite different from John’s experience but I can see how the moral of the story is quite similar. It’s not just me. It’s them.

Meanwhile, I remind myself how fortunate I am to have such a loving and supportive family with a happy childhood and that they raised me what they know what is best for me. The love is unconditionally strong and while I don’t excuse their comments, it’s easy to let it slide for the time being. I think my feelings would have been different if I didn’t have supportive, loving parents and a happy childhood.

Thanks for opening my eyes a little further.

By: Curious Eyes

Curious Eyes — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:22:07 +0000

I think you’re a remarkable woman yourself, Lantana, to be able to see beyond the “lack” (of communication) to the jewel within. If your husband does not sign, how do you communicate? Just curious. A couple of commenters here at DeafDC have mentioned that their spouses or partners can’t sign worth a darn yet still the relationship thrives. That’s quite a feat since, I’m sure we all know, communication is really the key to a successful relationship.

By: DC Deafie

DC Deafie — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:07:41 +0000

Wow… it wasn’t until I entered middle school/high school that I started realizing how *LUCKY* I was to have two parents who could communicate with me easily, and both learned when I was just a toddler. I remember the first time someone told me that they were surprised my father and I could communicate so well and she wished she had that with her own father.

That opened my eyes. It is so important for ANY parental figure to be there for the children, whether they’re biological, foster, step-parents, live-in partners, etc. “Mark” had no business living with the family if he couldn’t handle communicating with one of the children.

At the same time, it does lend an interesting question — if “John” had been at home every day, and not just “every few weeks,” would the lack of communication/effort have been noticed sooner and Mark be essentially kicked out a lot sooner? Or would Mark have felt more confident having a chance to learn how to sign/communicate with John every day, and not try to pick it up again every few weeks for only a few days?

There are so many factors at play here. I’m really hesitant to call this abuse. It definitely had a huge emotional impact, but I wonder how insecure Mark had to be to push John away. I wonder if Mark felt like a failure and the only thing he could do was to “blame” the family for making it about John, when the reality was that HE couldn’t hack it, and he probably knew that.

By: Virginia L. Beach

Virginia L. Beach — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:11:15 +0000

Poignant story, Chris.

I don’t think it’s just about signing…this same sort of experience can occur even for deaf children who grow up oral.

It’s about growing up feeling accepted and included - whether it be in your family, your school, your community…

I think many deaf children who grow up being “the only one” in the family or school or whatever confront that ugly monster, and begin wondering if it is indeed “always about you, always about you” - if the arguments their parents are having is about them, if not being invited to the neighborhood kid’s birthday party is about them, if being teased by their classmates is about them.

It takes a long time to realize that like Chris says… it’s not about you. It’s not about your deafness, it’s not about your hearing aids, it’s not about your funny speech, it’s not about your asking what’s going on.

It’s about them.

Sadly, it takes some of us a long time to realize that.