Location: Orange Line, toward New Carrollton.

Ok, today is the time to talk about fatty twoseaters. As non-politcally-correct as it may be for me to say this, but these large denizens of the Metro do exist–and will, on occasion, forcefully remind you of this fact. I feel I must preface this entry with some further words about obesity. “In 1962, research statistics showed that the percentage of obesity in America’s population was at 13%. By 1980 it has risen to 15%–by 1994 to 23%–and by the year 2000 the obesity progression in America had reached an unprecedented 31%!” (quoted from americansportsdata.com)

Unfortunately, that means that approximately one out of three people in the United States is now obese. Obesity is defined as having a body mass index (BMI) of over 25 (meaning you are 25% fat). So, what does this mean for the average Metro rider? More fatty twoseaters.

Here, I’ll explain what I mean so you can understand the dilemma of an compassionate Metro rider. I realize that the path to obesity is paved with McDonalds and malfunctioning thyroid glands, but it does have consequences for riders that simply have a bit of a spare tire (like myself).

The other day, I was sitting there, minding my own business. I was doing what I do almost every day–the Express crossword puzzle. We hit up Metro Center, and I look up to see who’d get on. As it happens, the seat next to me was vacant, and I was sitting next to the window. An obese woman enters the train and I see her face light up as she notices the empty seat. She moves forward with unerring aim and walks towards me.

This is where the consequence happens. She tries to sit down next to me. As all of my friends know, I’m a pretty big boned man (5″11–6′) and I do happily use up the space of one (1) metro chair with about 20% left over for some shifting and moving around. However, this obese woman who easily weighed three times what I did attempted to sit down next to me. This is not something you want to see, ever, in your lifetime.

In fact, I didn’t just see it. I felt it. She pressed into me with all of her weight as she tried to sit down. I felt every single roll on the left of her body. Now, you may look at me and say, “You’re being mean to obese people.” But I’m not. I understand some of what they feel as I’ve also struggled with some weight problems (as everyone has…) but there are simply some things that cannot be done. And trying to fit 400 pounds in a space meant for far less is just embarassing.

So, I’m sitting there, suffocating in her obese glory… and she is still shifting around, trying to fit in the space. I swore I could feel a rib in there somewhere. Finally, she gives up jiggling and wiggling and simply puts her legs out in the aisle and leans out and sits there, tilted, and holding onto the opposite seats for support. I sit there, squeezed in a womb of fat and hard Metro seats.
The biggest thought in my head was, “How am I going to ask her to move when I have to get up at my stop?” Aha! I thought of a plan. I will ask her to move before the stop so she has time to mobilize herself and move out of my way. And that plan succeeded. Note to self: If you see a fatty twoseater approach… retreat and surrender seat!