I had my monthly book club meeting today. However, like the idiot that I am, I did not “plan ahead” and wear appropriate shoes for walking semi-long distances. The meeting was being held at Tryst in Adams Morgan.

This is where my journey in bus hell begins.

You see, I’m a regular metrorail rider, not a regular metrobus rider. My trusty friend (and bus-lover) Adam tells me exactly what to do and where to stand to grab the L2 bus:

Adam: I think you can take the L2 from Conn Ave.
Adam: L2
Adam: 20th and K
Adam: stand no no
Adam: perfect
Adam: just go to 17th and K
Adam: anywehre along K St - grab the L2 bus
Adam: stand on the westbound side of K St

Naturally, I promptly interpret these directions as “Stand on K street and catch the bus when it goes by.” I mean, who wouldn’t. In my defense, compare this to my usual daily Metrorail trip: Go down the pretty escalator steps and take the Orange/Blue to Potomac Ave.

So I get off work and walk to K street and grab the bus. I wait for about 5 minutes, and there the bus comes trundling along. No — wait, that’s the newfangled DC Circulator bus. It flies like a bat out of hell and zooms on K street. I continue to wait another few minutes, and Lo and Behold — there’s the L2 bus.

I get on.

I watch as we stop every 10 feet and collect various people. Some handicapped. White, black, brown, purple, off-white, teal, you name it. Then we start heading south. Wait a minute — isn’t Adams Morgan north? I page Adam apprehensively. He asks me “Bobby! Did you pay attention to what I said? I said to get on the WESTBOUND side of K street!”
Elapsed time: 25 minutes.
Adams Morgan Walking Distance: 25 minutes.

So, yeah, I got on the eastbound side. No matter, I’ll still get to Adams Morgan — it will just take a few minutes longer as the bus loops around and heads north. We stop to pick up an handicapped person at MacPherson Square.

But wait. The elevator that slooshes out of the steps and picks up wheelchairs and people who don’t want to walk gets stuck. The bus driver asks me if I would come over and help me. He motions me toward his driver’s seat and asks me to sit and pull a lever. Cool. I get to sit at the driver’s seat and pull levers.

I pull the lever and watch him maul the elevator trying to get it to sloosh back in. But it won’t, even after a several attempts. He shrugs and motions me off the bus.

I get off. I’m already late and I’m stuck at MacPherson Square. You see, I started off WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF ADAMS MORGAN. I could have walked there but, no, no, it’s not going to be that easy.

Elapsed time: 45 minutes.
Adams Morgan Walking Distance: 25 minutes.

I decide I’m going to just bite the bullet and call a cab. I try to motion several cabbies over but they are all holding passengers and shun me. I could see that a truck had arrived to fix the bus. A young woman gets out and helps the bus driver sloosh the elevator back in after several loud and rattling attempts.

Seeing that hailing a taxi would be futile, I get back on the bus. The bus makes 9,431 stops before getting to Adams Morgan. At one of these stops, by the way, the bus driver yells and rudely rejects a woman in a wheelchair. You see, the elevator just won’t sloosh. I finally get to Adams Morgan and get off near Tryst and head to The Diner. Changed locations on me.

The metrobus can bite me. I’m going to hide in the comforting caverns of the Metro.

Elapsed time: 65 minutes.
Adams Morgan Walking Distance: 25 minutes.