Alright, after a long day of work (which, for me, entails in working with Mac OS X, Adobe, and various IT functions) I’m galumphing down to the Metro. I join the long ranks of soulless Metro travellers, in their dim browns, greys, and blacks. Nary a bright color is to be seen, except for the occasional bottle blonde.

I’m getting in the Metro car when I realize that this particular car happens to be full. Mind you, not sardines-in-a-can full, but full enough that body placement options are limited. You see, Metro cars have two prime zones where one can ride in a minimum of comfort:

1. Sitting on the actual seats themselves.
2. Standing at the glass walls that are next to the exits.

Example of Glass Wall Standing Space

Anywhere else, you are asking for a nice little tumble to the floor when a brake-happy train operator decides to make your life interesting. So, I’m standing there and option (1) was definitely not available. Seats were all full with glaring women who practically screamed at me “Get the hell away from me, you reasonably fit and healthy Caucasian that does not deserve to sit down.” That leaves me with foraging for a suitably empty (and clean) metal bar somewhere, or number (2) above.

After a few seconds of searching, I was able to secure a cushy spot at the glass wall near the inner exit. However, while standing with your back against the wall may afford protection from sudden jerks and stops, it will not provide protection from living breathing jerks. This is because people that come through the doors want to get in the car and if you happen to be in their way–too bad. I’ve gotten plowed under by dimunitive teensy weensy little women and Horizontally Challenged People.

So, I’ve invented an elaborate ritual if I happen to be standing by the door:

• When the door opens, lower my Express newspaper
• When people come in, sqiunch myself against the glass wall, clearly marking my territory and my refusal to move
• Make eye contact

The last part - eye contact - is critical. People don’t push people that they have eye contact with. I think it has something to do with psychology or sociology or one of those -ologys.

I have to caution you, though — one downside of standing near the door like that is, on occasion, you will run into an idiot who thinks he can just make it in the car right before the doors close. And inevitably, he or she will slam into you and you will have to witness his agonized expression when the doors close on some random piece of his body.

Hmm. Maybe that’s not a downside.